The path to legend

I'm learning how to belly dance. And I'm trying to lose weight. I've lost about ten pounds, but I haven't got the heart to check since the holidays came around. I ate a lot of food. So I'm gonna take a couple weeks to work really hard at sticking to my calorie counting and exercise before checking the scale.

I want to be amazon sexy. Exotic. I'm gonna turn into what I want to be, what I day dream about being. The book my uncle gave me for Christmas (Become your own match maker: 8 steps to finding your perfect mate by Pattie Stranger. I laughed when I unwrapped it but started reading it anyway.) says that I need to take a detox period of 30 to 90 days to just focus on me.

I've wanted to do THAT ever since I became single. And I've been trying. But this is it! I'm doing it. I signed up for the last classes I need to finish my associate today. (terrified. what if I fail to finish? NO. I have to finish.) I'm learning how to belly dance. I'm keeping my house clean. I'm planning a big painting. I'm working on my novel again.

This is my chance. I just focus on improving myself, being happy with myself. Doing things that make me happy, rather than my ex. I have to forgive him though. For all the stupid he put me through. And all the stupid he continues to put me through. Argh. That doesn't sound very forgiving of me, does it... Damn.

I'll work on it. And my weight. I'm so excited to be sexy. It's HAPPENING. I mean, I liked me before, but I've always wanted to weigh less. Here's my chance. And being happy with myself just the way I am is going to be a huge boost in my sex appeal. Guys will want me. More so. As it were the only people I'm beating off with a stick are my coworkers, which is weird. And beating off with a stick is what I mean when my coworkers keep telling me that other coworkers have the hots for me. Once one of them slapped my ass... but that's about as rough as it got.

Anyway I figured I ought to explain my new counter on this blog, which will show my success (or failure, or stagnation) in weightloss land.

Oh, and the other one is to prevent me from banging my ex. Because that book says I'll stay stuck on him because of the oxytocin that my body releases whenever I have an orgasm. And that will keep me from moving on. Also no sex or dates during detox. So I guess it's supposed to help me there... but then again I guess that's not particularly forgiving... gerrraugh DAMNIT WHATEVER.

Of note:

It appears my menstrual cycle has synched with the apocalypse. What a coincidence. OR IS IT??

bad date

Well I'm attempting to date again. Yet, paranoid, I look for problems in every guy. So I've found one that managed to get through. Good sign? You'd think so. He's rather shy and awkward, eh, I figure a good one is worth waiting to get him out of his shell.

And he's very talkative online. Funny, goofy, seems like my kind of person.

But I'm worried about something that I always used to think was stupid to worry about. Money. We went out to lunch. He had two debit cards that didn't work after he realized the restaurant didn't do american express and he couldn't use his credit card.

I have been raised in such a way as to be horrified at the thought of buying lunch with a credit card to begin with. Darn my cash conscious mother...

Also he's a student. Living off loans with no job. Erk. But then again, lots of successful people did that... My sister in law used loans, her and my brother are still paying them off. Although I'm not sure how that's gonna work after the divorce. The bitch cheated on my brother for 8 years and passed off TWO children as my brother's when they weren't. Poor brother. He still loves those kids and thinks of them as his though. So anyway maybe not so successful. But she could have just as easily made better decisions, right?

Right?

And then on top of this X is still around. Hugging, holding, kissing, getting me off in the bathtub. (that one was kind of my fault for leaving the door open)

So I feel bad dating a decent guy with X in the background, but not as much when I think about how X is looking around too.  And then I don't feel as bad when decent guy appears to not be financially stable. What am I? A gold digger? It's not like X was even vaguely ambitious. Well it's not like I'm monogamous with anyone, so I owe nothing to anybody. I can do what I like. But then again I should just be a better person anyway. I know better.

That God knows and is disappointed.

I'm such a horrible person. I'm sorry God. I'm so sorry. This was never what I wanted in this life. You knew that and tried to show me the right way to go. And I didn't and now I don't know how to get out without being inconsiderate or stomping on the toe of somebody I like or care about. Without tearing a limb off of my own body.

I may bleed. I may die. I'm frightened. But God, just so you know I'm really sorry. None of this was ever to hurt you.

Ms. Lonely

I'm so lonely.

A few days ago I took almost all of the Ex's stuff that was still at my house and drove it over to his place at 3 in the morning. He'd been living in my condo and paying rent for his own. He seriously didn't go there for months.

And now he actually lives over there. And my house is so empty. And I'm sad and lonely. I worry about him still when I don't hear from him. But now there's nothing I can do about it.

I know he's not eating. Dumbass has no food because he eats out while he has money but then has no groceries once he only has enough left to pay rent. I try to help out, I say I'll call him after work and we'll do dinner or something.  He says that sounds good.

I call. He doesn't answer. Did I just get stood up by my ex?

I hate empty house. I hate that tomorrow I'm going to get up at 9:30 and do the same exact thing that I did the last 2 days. Go to work. Work for 9-10 hours. Come home and feel too tired to do anything creative, fun or useful. At least I'll be able to pay my car registration and some extra bills. I'm not buying groceries so I can scrape together enough money to buy my mom a Christmas present.

And here I am at the computer again, typing out to nobody because I'm so sad, and it's the only way to vent without compromising my comprehended emotional strength.

Ugh. I give up for now.

Of note:

Hey God, remember when I was excited for "music man" and thanking you for bring a guy that was so right for me into my life, even after I thought I'd never find somebody as weird and accepting of me as he was?

What the fuck. You knew I'd end up like this. And you took that thanks without argument? I'm sure this is my fault in one way or another because I'm a worthless, sinful human, but still. Would it have killed you to shoot me a lightning bolt or a disclaimer or something? >.<

(sorry God. I'm pretty sure you're a good guy that does all the right things. Hence the whole God thing. Blaming you is probably wrong. And probably there was nothing you could do without breaking some kind of personal code. But super bonus points for warning me next time. You can speak through my mother's instant distrust of all guys that I date if you like.)

mmmm. acid.

Here to spew more hate for my ex. He's back on speaking terms with his ex wife. He's all pleased as punch that it's like the bad things from their marriage never happened. I asked if they were gonna start hanging out again? No. He knows what he'd do. (of note: bang her. that's what he'd do. Like what he does to me. Even after the "just friends" talk.)

Glad you at least respect her dignity, you ass. As for me? Nope. No respect for the woman you admitted to having used as a rebound after your marriage. Fuck you, you horrible, worthless dick. I hate you for doing this to me.

I used to be strong like that! And now I envy your ex the ability to get away from you, to cut you out of her life. You felt bad for wronging her. YOU FELT BAD FOR WHAT YOU DID, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! WHAT ABOUT ME?? DON'T I DESERVE SOME OF YOUR RESPECT? HOW ABOUT SOME SHAME?? FEEL BAD FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!! FUCK YOU!

You're just my john. You'd remember, Ex. That guy that C was dating before she met your buddy, chef school? Chef really loved her but she couldn't keep her ex, john, out of her pants. THAT'S YOU NOW!! You despised that guy. You fucking became that guy. Good job. Loser.

If you lived at your own damn apartment, I'd be free. I'd be getting myself out in the world, dating other guys. But no, you'll put this all on me. A wimp for not kicking you out. Because I'd feel bad. Ugh. Man I hate you. Fuck you for still wanting me to care about you. You are so selfish. You're not getting a fucking thing for Christmas.

Maybe a card. And rather than putting heart warming words, I'll just sign it. Or I suppose I could enclose a printed copy of one of these blogs. That might do it. Tell you just how much I despise being treated like this.

I hate that you've made me into a pathetic little whore who can't say no to her ex. You've made me into a loser. You've made me into the kind of woman that stays with a guy who abuses her.

You hit me a few times. Ironically the only time I felt like my life was in danger is that day you were supposed to move out but didn't. You didn't hit me that day. But I just knew that if you snapped, if you lost your concentration or lost control, I would die. You would have torn me to pieces with your bare hands. Yeah. That's how I see you whenever you get angry. As a danger. Man. That day I was half resolved to run home to my mother.

But I didn't want her to come after you. A: it was my battle, not hers. B: I couldn't let her know how afraid I was of dying at your hands. I never wanted her to think so little of you, or to hate you. C: I didn't want you to go to jail or the crazy house or something awful like that.

So mostly I'm a coward because I'm afraid for you, I guess.

Also I don't really want to die. And I hate being alone. And I'd miss cuddles. But then again you'll always have some other girl to cuddle. I was just a space filler. How could you do this to me? You just wasted all this time I spent with you. It didn't even mean anything. You never even loved me. You lied. Then you stayed with me until you'd found someone you thought you could move on to. And came back when she didn't work out. You'll fuck any woman that you spend any significant amount of time with.

I wasn't special at all.

Happy two year anniversary yesterday, by the way. Thanks for making the last two years of my life completely worthless.

Why did you have to make me believe that you loved me? I trusted you and you turned out being the biggest lie I ever believed. I really thought that was all I needed. I thought it was a simple thing. I love him, he loves me, at long last my searching is at an end! Oh. No? It has to be more complicated than that? Ahh, I see, I was meant to suffer more. This is actually just another torture.

Why didn't he leave after we had that talk? Is it the wii? Fine, he can have it. I'll ask for one for my next birthday or something. I'll miss the netflix, but I'll get over it. That's an easy loss. No, he just can't handle being alone. I wish he'd be alone with someone else that he doesn't love. Even up in PA with ms. slutterpants.

Maybe he stays with me because my spirit is all broken and I'm not about to ever fall in love with him again. Yeah, that probably makes me the safest bet. damn.

I hate this life. I'm going to bed. I'll wake up stuck in the same nightmare. fuck this life. I just want to cut my skin to pieces so I can feel the pain and know just how wrong I am. I haven't cut in a long time though.

It was to punish myself, sometimes. But deep down what I really wanted was a physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain. It's like stomping on somebody's toe to make their headache seem less painful by comparison. I haven't felt like this in a long time. The anger, the self loathing, the desire to inflict damage on myself. I know that elsewhere inside my mind I hope he'll see it and understand what he's done to me. Which is all that probably stops me.

I don't want to be a crazy little drama queen. Ohhh, you've hurt my feelings, I'll slice me so that you can feel bad for meeeee.... No.

Fuck this. End already.

Of note:

I did manage to keep him out of my vagina for a couple weeks after catching him on that dating site... Obviously my record has been marred again, else I probably wouldn't be so pissed. Maybe I can just ween myself off... lol... ween myself off his wiener... Oh myyy. okay it's time for this retard to go to bed. -.- ALONE. like a boss. *sigh*

R for resentment

I hate you. I care about you. I want to do the right thing. You have the gall to call me a wimp? I was always strong. Then I let somebody in. And now I can't get you out. Not out of my heart. Not out of my house. Not out of my treacherous vagina...

You have your own place. Over six hundred bucks a month and you haven't even BEEN there this month. Is it just because you need me to give you a ride? Because I was doing that even if you WEREN'T having sex with me. Hell, you even said you were gonna stop flirting around with me. Your friends had their little intervention, and I even got up the guts to confront you. And now this?

Ugh. How dare you call me a wimp. I went to sleep on the couch because you were being an ass, since you think you're a brilliant psychologist whenever you watch Lie To Me. I call you out on it and you accuse ME of psychoanalyzing you. Scuse me? No. And then you call me a wimp for going to sleep on the couch instead of kicking you to the couch.

You are SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

I didn't want an argument but I also didn't want to be anywhere near you so I chose the most reasonable option.

I miss back when I just stopped caring about guys. Back when I just kicked their sorry asses out of my life and never had to deal with them again. But you want to be in my life, for some twisted reason, so you won't let me go.

We are never getting back together. Sorry to quote Taylor Swift but it's true. We are never, ever getting back together. I promised mom I wouldn't, just to make sure I had a fail-safe. Yet you still want to be friends. So I try to be your friend, rather than taking the option that will be easier in the long run.

And you call me a wimp.

Hate you so much.

I see you on your computer or your phone and wonder which girl you're talking to. Sexting? Probably. I suppose you have to take the dirty photos when I'm sleeping. Eh, you probably have a reserve. Ooooh. >.<

All I have to do to remind myself of how bad you are is think about rachel. She was slutty, this is true. But you were the real whore. Gave her the impression that you weren't serious about me, wanted out, were unhappy, when I never even knew. DAMN YOU. You are a COWARD. If you were unhappy you should have left ME. As soon as you knew. Rather than going out of your way to flirt around, find another girl BEFORE leaving me. You interdependent FREAK. I hate you.

All I have to do is think about you guys sending sexy messages back and forth. And the photos. That poor girl. You were fucking me the whole time. What ARE you? Some sort of psychopath? No, actually I think the word is sociopath.

Well, after reading a website about it, not so much. He's got the charm and the lies, but he's not that ridiculous. Unless I'm that deeply under his control. Eeesh. Not gonna think about that.

But then again he did blame me for hopping on the sex train too soon... I thought 2 months was enough time to wait. Maybe that's him deflecting wrong doing from himself? He made it a habit of getting me excited and then leaving me high and dry. er. wet. >_>

Why couldn't I get rid of him like goth guy or mr. anger management? Why couldn't he fade away like science guy or that kid from church back in high school? I guess because he lived here for so long. Maybe I should have taken his keys right away. Disagreed with him when he decided to keep em.

I guess I am a wimp, in my own way, for not kicking you out of my life. I suppose you sense that. Or maybe you say it as a challenge. You probably want me to kick you to the curb, but can't just leave like a grown-ass man. I just don't know.

How does he convince me to stay hanging around, after what he's done? He flirted with other girls all throughout our relationship. He left me twice for other girls. I should hate him.

                                                                              *

Hi, God? We don't talk much of late but I'm confused. Why am I still here? Some weakness, yes. I should just kick him out. Block him on facebook. Delete his phone number. But I'd feel terrible doing that. Like I was doing the wrong thing. Morally. But isn't that supposed to be the right thing? Sure being "just friends" would probably be okay. Except he sleeps in my bed every night and occasionally has sex with me, and constantly flirts, even after telling me he wouldn't.

I never make the first move. It's always him that comes into the room while I'm sleeping. He runs his hands up and down my legs and body, until I'm properly turned on and only sort of awake. He takes his sweet time. By the time we do the deed, I'm in no condition to argue. Not that this justifies my crime. I should say no. But I don't come on to him.

I'm sure he'd say it's my fault in some way.

God, why can't I just hate him? When I think of what he's done to me, and what he's probably doing with all the girls he talks to, I hate him. When he sits there on his phone or computer all night, I resent him. But when he pays attention to me, I'm... happy? Or just not miserable. I hate myself so much.

He knows how much I hate myself whenever it happens.

I'm a wimp for not kicking him out of my life, but if I do he'll probably make me feel like a bad guy. And I guess I'd miss him. Which is weird, considering. Maybe I'd just miss what I thought was him. Or the part of him he'd always put forward when dealing with me.

Help? Most girls wouldn't want anything to do with someone who had betrayed them on so deep a level.... twice. Please help me. Let all of me be of one accord, somehow. I don't know why I always just wanted to hope it would just blow up and blow over if it wasn't right. I guess I just hoped I wouldn't have to do any of the work.

Ugh. The one person that I wish would respect me is the same guy that hasn't seen just how strong I am. I wish I could just blow you away with my awesome strength of spirit. That I used to have? What happened?

I must never let someone get so deep into my heart again without being completely sure of their intent and who they are. God so help me.

                                                                               *

Now if I could only get this particular thorn out of my side.

I restarted my online dating profile. Just trying to get used to the idea of being interested in other guys again. But then again.... There are a couple of really interesting ones. And how am I supposed to go out with them? I can't date other people if I still fuck my ex. Then again that's never bothered the ex, has it. Of course he isn't a particularly honest person.

I don't like lying. It just causes troubles later on. I guess I'll just have to make it clear that I'm not looking for anything too serious at the moment due to still working on getting over the other guy. Not that something couldn't GET serious. I was still rather infatuated with goth guy when ex came along.

But ex helped me through that and then I fell for him. Maybe I'll just look into finding friends on the date site. We can IM and stuff, and get to know each other. Maybe I'll develop a crush. Then I'd probably be okay.

I hope there's not some psychological complex in me that causes me to be attracted to guys that end up shopping around while they've still got me on the line. I have noticed a pattern. My boss suggested that if it happens again, I might look into dating something I'm not all that attracted to. Because it might be some sort of subconscious thing prompting me to date the same kind of guys.

Then again I wasn't big on mr anger management, and I've never regretted leaving that disaster in the dust. But maybe he was just a little too crazy.

urgh. I give up. But at least I feel a little better. Or maybe I should just always feel horrible. But resentment, that can't be good for the complexion. Not all the time. Maybe just long enough? Argh. I feel like the wolf-man from The 10th Kingdom. I want to be a good wolf. But I also want to eat grandma. But I so badly want to be good! But she'd be delicious surrounded by potatoes...

God, I could really use some help. I feel trapped. I'm really sorry. There's a reason for that whole no sex before marriage thing. It can lead to this wasteland. Believe me I'm sorry now. Yes, I'm sorry because I got screwed. (pun intended) But hurting you was never something I wanted either.

I don't want to handle this. It's like I'm doing the wrong thing no matter what I do. So which wrong leads to a right? I suppose at this point none of this is going to feel good. But I do know I don't want to stick around until he finds a new girl. That's not how I want this to end.

He breaks up with me and then continues to fuck me until he finds something else? Keeping my feelings all boxed up the whole time and leaving me devastated AGAIN? NO! But he won't just leave. With everyone else all I had to do was block them on some social networking website. This one needs to be kicked out of my home.

Maybe I can focus on hating him so much that it will finally be complete, and then I won't feel bad hurting his feelings? AUGH! SOMEBODY HELP!!

Fuck this life. You know, rather than just 'don't have sex before marriage and then only have it with that one person' they could have specified why. DON'T DO IT ELSE YOU'LL BE MISERABLE AND UNMARRYABLE DUE TO THE USED CONDITION OF YOUR VAGINA!

lol okay THAT made me feel a little better. Ending this post before it gets any longer.

Ok cupid, geez!

Lol. My ex is still being flirty with me. Normally I might fall for that pitiful excuse for courting.

But I happen to know a secret.

I know that he's using an online dating service to flirt with new girls.

Now I finally can repel his unwanted attempts at sexy times.

Suck it, loser.

X

As in ex-boyfriend. Again. Turns out twice he has left me to pursue other girls.

I've chosen to make my mother my fail-safe. I won't date the music man again without her approval.

In fact he can't be music man any more. X? X factor? Drummer boy? Oh. I know. R.O.U.S.

Rodent of unusual size. Rous for typing purposes.

of course it wasn't the end.

The sunday after thanksgiving we got back together. We were already sleeping with each other again. What is it about not being allowed to sleep with me made me sexier? Or maybe it was the 20 pounds I lost those two weeks after he left. I just stopped eating.

So here I am, four months later. We sleep in separate rooms and we're "taking it slowly". Or, it's "complicated". I force myself to not love him. Because of course I know he doesn't feel that way towards me.

Women threw themselves at him while he was "available". And they're still trying.

He's scared of my reaction to him buying a guitar with his tax refund. It's his money. Maybe I'll just get him a card for his birthday. I guess I should be glad he turned down two women today? Whores. What is wrong with people? I don't crush on guys with girlfriends, let alone throw myself at them.

I shouldn't feel alone and be in a couple at the same time. He was the one that said it's complicated. It's only as complicated as he lets it be. We could probably be perfectly satisfied with each other forever. Have a family and stuff. But it's a matter of him, and of choice.

This is the first time I've been upset enough to write in a while. Bad sign, I guess. I've been vaguely entertaining the thought of breaking up with him. I never thought that'd cross my mind. This relationship works because we don't talk about the hard stuff. About the complicated stuff and the feelings. I've learned that the best way to go is just to pretend that everything is okay, that I'm happy. That we're fine.

He hit me a while back. I was teasing him because he adjusted his pants and it was a goofy gesture. He had a flash of anger out of self consciousness, and punched my arm. I was irritated but it was just a little over hard, ya know? I said, "what's wrong with you?" And he said, "I was angry. still am." and then he hit me again, twice. This time on my back and shoulders.

I went to the ground and curled up in a corner and apologized for all I was worth. And he was ashamed of himself, and said I didn't have anything to apologize for, and agreed to see a therapist. This was last month, still no therapist. Although I guess she never called him back... He should find another one. It was like he cared, and then got over it. I didn't. I pretend like I did. But now I'm more afraid of him hurting me. So I'm even more afraid of bringing up shit that could upset him.

If he doesn't eventually find a therapist, I'll have to go. But will he care if I do? No way for me to find out. He acts like he cares. But I guess it could be an act. Or maybe penance for breaking my heart before. Does every relationship lose it's good feelings eventually? I understand being out of a honeymoon period, but from really sweet to distant forever? I tasted real happiness and now I have to live with pretending I'm okay?

Not like I can talk to a friend about something like this... A friend just says leave him, leave him! What, there's no way to fix it? Is it really gone forever? I want so much for him to love me. When he loved me it was fine. I was happy. Then he changed his mind and the woman that loved him died. But I still want love. Even if I can never feel the same way I did ever again.

He's stopped having sex with me again. I wonder if that's the beginning of another end.