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Monday, January 24, 2011


It's a good name for her because she's pretty whorish. I dearly love her. But she's a whore.

She's been one of my closest friends for a long time. She used to be somebody that I knew would be well worth some fella's time some day. But now I just pity the fool.

Aforementioned fool happens to be Music Man's best friend. "Leave-britney-alone-guy-but-not-gay" is too long of a name, so we'll call him Lyrics lord. (another musician)

Lyrics Lord and Roxanne set me up with Music man. Back when they were dating. Which they aren't doing any more. Or so I thought...

Roxanne couldn't stop speaking to her ex-ass-hole-non-committal-friend-w-benefits.

Lord Lyrics (flows better than Lyrics Lord) couldn't handle it. And so he left her. And she was super bummed. She didn't let him go. She just kept going. Kept calling, texting, throwing herself at him. It really bothered me. It's like throwing yourself under the wheels of a truck that's already passed you by.

But this truck came back. heh. funny implications, there...

I don't understand people. I really thought that I sort of did. It is my JOB to talk to people at their most unreasonable: when they're trying to make sense of their phone bill. But I'm still at a loss as to how this is working.

Music man told me not two nights ago that Lord Lyrics couldn't care less if he saw Roxanne ever again. Apparently not the case.

I wonder how Roxanne redeemed herself.

Of note:

recently discovered car sex.

must scrub those seats.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The way you look at me

Music Man: I cannot admit to you that I have very much serious feelings for you because I'm afraid of how fickle you are. Cheery one minute, leaving without letting me kiss you goodnight the next.

I am so afraid. I think that I'm in love with you and then you essentially abandon me on a night when I really, really needed some support. Maybe I should have just said that out loud? How else can I say it?? I told you how hard my week had been, how frustrated I am with my job.

You can't have an emotional disaster on a night when I need you...

You can't leave telling me it's to keep yourself from screaming at me.... you're killing me. How can I admit to loving that now? I know you were trying to protect me, protect what we have. Idunno. You shouldn't have the sudden need to scream at somebody.

I know you're working on it. I'm not denying that. I'm simply a little freaked out because I'm just figuring out that I love you, and I work in a living hell. I'm dying there. They're killing me. I'd like to work fast food again. If I take my piercings out I can maybe work at in n out. They pay really well.

I was clingy tonight because I'm dying inside and I missed you. I hadn't seen you in days. Aaaand you left me crying. I know you were being good to me. You could have had the strength to kiss me goodnight. That I would have appreciated greatly.

I'm so scared of being with you. I want it so much, and every time I finally feel like it's okay, you welcome me, make me feel safe. But then the next time I see you it's like you want to strike the safe feelings away.

I love you.

I know that you love me. You had the courage to admit it while I'm still hiding. Please hurry. Fight back against this thing that drives you to such anger and come back to me. I really need you.

I know, I know, everyone comes to you needing something. And I'm trying so hard to not be the needy girlfriend, because it's not what YOU need right now. But I think every once in a while it's not such a bad thing, to foster my whiny self with your awesomeness. I ask for so little. I just want to be held.

Monday, January 10, 2011


Music man misses his ex-wife.

He wouldn't stop me if I tried to leave, I don't think. What's worse is he feels trapped, because I told him he was one of the only good things in a life that's frankly terrible right now.

I guess I need to pretend that my life is good. And probably stop sleeping with him.

For once I get someone good that I like, and who likes me. And he has to be recently divorced, torn apart by the shame of his failure as a husband, missing his ex and telling me he feels trapped because apparently I'm too pathetic to leave.

Fuck. That hurts.