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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

of course it wasn't the end.

The sunday after thanksgiving we got back together. We were already sleeping with each other again. What is it about not being allowed to sleep with me made me sexier? Or maybe it was the 20 pounds I lost those two weeks after he left. I just stopped eating.

So here I am, four months later. We sleep in separate rooms and we're "taking it slowly". Or, it's "complicated". I force myself to not love him. Because of course I know he doesn't feel that way towards me.

Women threw themselves at him while he was "available". And they're still trying.

He's scared of my reaction to him buying a guitar with his tax refund. It's his money. Maybe I'll just get him a card for his birthday. I guess I should be glad he turned down two women today? Whores. What is wrong with people? I don't crush on guys with girlfriends, let alone throw myself at them.

I shouldn't feel alone and be in a couple at the same time. He was the one that said it's complicated. It's only as complicated as he lets it be. We could probably be perfectly satisfied with each other forever. Have a family and stuff. But it's a matter of him, and of choice.

This is the first time I've been upset enough to write in a while. Bad sign, I guess. I've been vaguely entertaining the thought of breaking up with him. I never thought that'd cross my mind. This relationship works because we don't talk about the hard stuff. About the complicated stuff and the feelings. I've learned that the best way to go is just to pretend that everything is okay, that I'm happy. That we're fine.

He hit me a while back. I was teasing him because he adjusted his pants and it was a goofy gesture. He had a flash of anger out of self consciousness, and punched my arm. I was irritated but it was just a little over hard, ya know? I said, "what's wrong with you?" And he said, "I was angry. still am." and then he hit me again, twice. This time on my back and shoulders.

I went to the ground and curled up in a corner and apologized for all I was worth. And he was ashamed of himself, and said I didn't have anything to apologize for, and agreed to see a therapist. This was last month, still no therapist. Although I guess she never called him back... He should find another one. It was like he cared, and then got over it. I didn't. I pretend like I did. But now I'm more afraid of him hurting me. So I'm even more afraid of bringing up shit that could upset him.

If he doesn't eventually find a therapist, I'll have to go. But will he care if I do? No way for me to find out. He acts like he cares. But I guess it could be an act. Or maybe penance for breaking my heart before. Does every relationship lose it's good feelings eventually? I understand being out of a honeymoon period, but from really sweet to distant forever? I tasted real happiness and now I have to live with pretending I'm okay?

Not like I can talk to a friend about something like this... A friend just says leave him, leave him! What, there's no way to fix it? Is it really gone forever? I want so much for him to love me. When he loved me it was fine. I was happy. Then he changed his mind and the woman that loved him died. But I still want love. Even if I can never feel the same way I did ever again.

He's stopped having sex with me again. I wonder if that's the beginning of another end.