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Friday, January 30, 2015

Sleep, the unattainable standard

I want to sleep the same 9 hours every night. Yes, 9. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Also apparently it's stressing out my dog. 12 to 9 or 1 to 10 every night just sounds impossible. What guarantee is there that I'll fall asleep on time?

Whenever I need to be asleep at a certain time, I find myself on my back, eyes wide open, stressing myself out because I'm not asleep yet. Sometimes watching a YouTube video I've seen a thousand times helps. Sort of prevents my brain from focussing on my stress.

Of course when I don't have to be up, I say to myself, hey, I could watch a movie or storm on something right now... And then when I do go to bed late, I sleep late too.

Or, god forbid I'm in bed on time, and don't have to be up. I'll still sleep to long, 10 or 11 hours. Because depression, I guess?

I need a job with more regular hours.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Up before noon

Because that's pretty rare these days. I stay up too late, I sleep more than I should.

I'm fighting it. I know that I have to. I know that it and a thousand other little signs point to depression.

I have solved for the subject of my last post. When my friend's (ex's) new girlfriend friended me on facebook, we talked about her gesture. Was it just to keep tabs on another girl in his life? He said it's because she likes me, nothing else.

So I accepted. Also because I'm hoping that being her friend will help with that hard to understand jealousy. I have no desire to be jealous. It's an awful feeling. It's been hard to not compare myself to her, even though different people are different ballgames every time. And I think somewhere that makes me ache.

It's been good so far. She is likeable. That's good.

And that's all the space that gets.

I have to start back at the the beginning for art. I always focused on big challenges, so I never learned the little basics. It's time for that to change.

I want to be great. So badly. Why am I burdened with that stupid desire? Everyone wants to be good enough to make money to have what they need to be comfortable. Somewhere in my ego I sneer at that. Like it shouldn't be good enough for any of them. And that isn't fair. I need to be more open minded to lives that don't seek what I seek.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Because elsewhere, I can't

My ex and I got pretty close in a friend ish way before he left. Obviously a couple times he took advantage of that closeness and I failed to stop him. I'm upset that he didn't respect my request the first time, but oh well. Sucks that I dropped my self respect. To clarify, we didn't bang.

It would appear that he was just cozying up to a warm body until he could get to his girlfriend in Washington. Because now he's basically fallen off the planet, as far as friendship goes. I unfollowed him on facebook so I wouldn't have to see all the love and googly eyes they keep posting.

It hurts that, once again, he used me. He wasn't being my friend so much as using me as a bookmark. It feels like they're smearing their love all over the walls and rather than let me be, they're making me watch and using my blood as paint.

So hence this drawing. Because I was upset but couldn't post it on facebook, instagram or snapchat lest he see it and misunderstand.

It's not about love.

It's about being used, replaced, and kept in reach so I have to watch it happen.

It was a shitty thing for a friend to do.