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Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Up before noon

Because that's pretty rare these days. I stay up too late, I sleep more than I should.

I'm fighting it. I know that I have to. I know that it and a thousand other little signs point to depression.

I have solved for the subject of my last post. When my friend's (ex's) new girlfriend friended me on facebook, we talked about her gesture. Was it just to keep tabs on another girl in his life? He said it's because she likes me, nothing else.

So I accepted. Also because I'm hoping that being her friend will help with that hard to understand jealousy. I have no desire to be jealous. It's an awful feeling. It's been hard to not compare myself to her, even though different people are different ballgames every time. And I think somewhere that makes me ache.

It's been good so far. She is likeable. That's good.

And that's all the space that gets.

I have to start back at the the beginning for art. I always focused on big challenges, so I never learned the little basics. It's time for that to change.

I want to be great. So badly. Why am I burdened with that stupid desire? Everyone wants to be good enough to make money to have what they need to be comfortable. Somewhere in my ego I sneer at that. Like it shouldn't be good enough for any of them. And that isn't fair. I need to be more open minded to lives that don't seek what I seek.

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