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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The end?

In that epically terrible sci-fi thriller, Flash Gordon, with the golden chords of queen supporting it, the movie ended with Ming dying and his body disappearing. his ring lay on the floor. "THE END" appeared on the screen. A moment passed before a large question mark appeared after the word "end". THE END?

I know the feeling.

Music man left me this week. After eleven months. I loved him. I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with him. But a month and a half ago he stopped trying. And so of course he began to distance himself. And then he told me he didn't love me anymore.

And then he told me he didn't love me anymore.

I love him. I'll never stop loving him entirely. And the more we live our separated life, the more I have trouble believing that he doesn't love me. But even if that's true, and he does try to come back, he'll have had to change as a person.

Love isn't always a spark you can feel. Sometimes it's an action. You may not feel it at the moment. But it is still there. And you should work at it. Because it is worth it. Unless there are truly problems with the relationship. Like domestic violence or arguing all the time.

We had a perfect relationship until he dived into depression. He stopped trying to love me. And so it's over. I miss him so much. We still live together in our beautiful home, and I still have to miss him. I sometimes lie in his bed while he's at work just so I can smell his scent on the pillows.

He was supposed to love me forever.

Even if he wanted to get back together with me, I would have to hold back, to see that he understands what love is, to see that he's serious. And that would be just miserable. Waiting to see if he changed. What if he didn't? What if he never even steps up to the task? What if he never loves me again.

That's what I have to expect. That he will not be back. And I will be alone for a long time. And that somehow I will survive. And will be able to bear it when he falls in love with another. And marries another. And has a beautiful family with somebody. Somehow.

Or will I?