Of note:

It's more than feeling, more than faith. There's truth, an undeniable reality so much bigger than any of our little lives. I sit back, read that over and wonder how I can call someone else's life little. Huh. Theological discussion = many nights up late thinking. Thanks, I think.

MUUUEEERRAAAAAWWWW

Estoy un poco inferma. Pero no estoy trista. Chico gotico llamo para mirar si esti trista. Awww, como dulce. Debo ser MUY inferma si pienso que Chico gotico esta dulce. Ay no!! Que lastima!

Me importa para el.

Estoy muy estupida para lo, pero que puedo decir? El me uso, y tambien....

ARGH! I tried. Gotta give me points for that. Goth guy (bahaha. chico gotico. THANK YOU google translate!!!) is being nice. Really nice. There hasn't been a disaster for... what, almost two weeks? I keep waiting for the other foot to fall.

Maybe it's because I haven't gone to his place for a while. Which is good. Morally speaking.

Urrrgh. So I opened a can of diet pepsi (BAD VEGAN! I know. It's not technically unvegan... just unhealthy.) and was shocked and *not* delighted to discover a distinct formaldehyde flavor. It was horrifying. I only took a sip. And then I was like, THE HELL?

Called the company (we get free pepsi now) and kept the can. Maybe we'll test it to see what kind of horrifying chemical I ingested. I made myself sick to get rid of it, of course.

But I've still been pretty sick these last couple days.

GAHHH! GOOGLE IS TRYING TO FRIGHTEN ME OUT OF DRINKING DIET SODA!!!

Apparently consistently consuming aspartame (used to sweeten diet soda) can cause formaldehyde to build up in my organs. Because apparently aspartame turns into formaldehyde in the body. O.o

I'M DOOOOOOMED!!!

http://www.holisticmed.com/aspartame/embalm.html

P.S. the title is the sound I made when I started feeling sick.

Of note:

I'm definitely wearing fake eyelashes in honor of being done with school. They're HUGE. Like BUTTERFLIES. On my EYES.

Thank You for Curing me of my Ridiculous Obsession with Brownies... or not

So I once stumbled upon a delicious looking brownie blog. I bookmarked it, but since then firefox has crashed at least twice. Today I craved brownies (seeing as school is finally at an end, it seems to be about time that I started eating more unhealthily). So I googled "Brownie blog".

There are a lot of blogs about brownies. I had no idea!!

So in other news, I'm out of school. And pretty sad about it. I like school! It keeps me productive! It gives me something to do! So once school is over, I feel pretty much useless. But moreso this year than any year before. I keep kicking myself, asking myself, what did I do LAST summer? What did I do during break?

I think I was crushing. That must be it. And now that my ideals about love and dating have been shot down and processed (thanks goth guy. go to hell.), I have nothing to waste my time on. I guess that's good, seeing as I've already edited a paper and written most of a blog post and it's only noon on the first day.

But it's scary. It means I have all this potential to do great things this summer, so if I don't do them, then I have no excuse.

I miss school.

I mean, yeah, the last two weeks were so busy that I didn't even waste time posting, but I'm really proud of most of my results. I have an incredible sculpture that went over well and the beginnings of a truly kick-ass portfolio. And I have a new drive.

I hope that it drives me into the future I've been dreaming of.

(you know, the one where I'm a ridiculously famous author/artist and goth guy scrubs my floors in my extra-large mansion? yesssssss. That one.)

P.S. that title really made me want to watch Moulin Rouge.

I want to be beautiful

So much.

Sometimes I believe that I am. Now is not one of those times.

Went and lost my dignity to goth guy again last night. It's the worst because I know what he is. I know that all he wants me around for is company and pleasure. So why would I bother? Shouldn't I be proud enough to tell him no?

I know there's no chance of us being something. He made it that way. So why does he insist on my sharing my body with him?

And then once we finally spend some *not* fooling around time together, all he can talk about is beautiful women. Other. Beautiful women.

"You know the only problem with this woman? She is not my girlfriend!!"

Great. Regretting getting you off in the car now.

Am I REALLY the only action he can get? I think I'd rather be free. I wish that he respected me. Or any woman. I really doubt that he does.

How can he admit that him and I could never be anything and then still seduce me? Because believe you me I didn't come back easily. He just talked and talked and touched and tried to kiss. I kept saying no and he just wouldn't take it for an answer.

Why wouldn't he take no for an answer if I wasn't special? What the hell? Why put me through this shame and take away every chance I have for falling in love with someone who would care? Someone who would respect me?

And here I waste my time wishing I was beautiful and a little older, more in his league, so that maybe he'd change his mind. I'm despicable.

And I'm crying. As I should be. I don't really deserve to be happy at this point. Because I can't even respect myself.

Of note:

Five orgasms in a session. That has GOT to be a record!!! for me, anyway

Why do we bother with men again?

Mother's day

Weirdest mother's day thus far: My mother awakens me a mere 5 hours after I finally put myself to bed, and asks me if I'm gay.

Well that woke me up. My eyes popped open and I stared at her for a second.

"No, mom. I'm not gay."

Where does she even get these ideas? I know recent blog posts don't really support my sexuality, but I really do prefer men! Apparently my facebook status about a girl sending me her picture to draw made my mother think I was gay.

I daren't tell her they were nude photos....

"Really mom? Remember (goth guy's name)? The MALE I'm obsessed with?" (she doesn't like him either, but apparently she prefers him to gay. I found myself wishing I'd gone to see him yesterday. Ugh. Just because I'm not gay doesn't mean I need to prove it by going and ditching my dignity for HIM....)

"I know, I know, I just.... I know it's been hard, but don't let him throw you off men for good..."

"I know! I'm not. I like men!" *sigh* I love her but she worries over the weirdest things... and now she's got ME all worried about it.

And to all the lucky moms out there today, I'd like to extend to you a very special mother's day greeting: "Happy mothers day. I'm not gay." That's what I said to MY mother this morning, anyway.

Of note:

Oh my! Some young woman from the UK is going to send me nude pics so I can draw her! (artistic standard, thank you very much. I'm not being gross. I just think it's awesome that she has the courage and confidence to send something like that for an artistic purpose. YOU GO, GIRL!)

Turning on the girls

I think it should be legal (ethical by bible standards) to kiss girls if I have no intention of actually being romantically involved with them. Women are so attractive.

No, I'm not homosexual. I'll admit that women are beautiful and that at one time or another I've had a crush on a girl. But it was a decision I chose not to make.

Still, sometime I'd like to kiss a girl. Actually, I'd like to kiss girls whenever I want, just for the feel of it. Without them backing up and being like, woah. Creepy.

This is a desire I never intend to act on.

The implication and the feelings would be sins. And I have enough sins on my roster. Also, I just don't want to cause or feel those feelings. I just want to know the sensation. Is that lust? I think it might be. But a lust to know something. To feel it. To enjoy their beauty without tinting my sexuality.

I do believe I'm a terrible person.

I suppose I'll put in the obligatory disclaimer in now: I have no strong dislike for gay people. Huzzah. Good for you. Etc. My Bible says it's not okay. If you don't believe what my Bible says, you're in no way obligated to obey it. Also, even if you do believe in what my Bible says, I think there are far worse things you can do than love someone. But that's only my opinion.

Christ preached about how to treat people. I think he cared less about sins of the flesh than those of the heart. I hope that isn't blasphemy for me to say it.

Of note:

It's amazing how many pictures of cats you'll get if you google image "how should I shave my vagina". Tsk. I just wanted to know if there was a happy medium!

Of note:

It's amazing what masturbation has done for my lower body and core strength.

Education

I like school. This doesn't make me crazy. It just means that I've finished all my core courses. You know, my gen eds? My general education units?

That's right. Two sciences (marine biology and astronomy (astronomy was a bitch)) (note to all students, never do both your sciences in one semester. Not fun.),

one math (college algebra. Best I can figure, the teacher felt bad for me so he gave me a C. It was a 7:10 am class. I slept through many a class. And learned nothing.),

Writing 101 and 102 (the 101 teacher told me I was going places and that I ought to be in honors, and the 102 teacher (of an honors class, thanks very much) held the last class at a bar. unfortunately I was only 20 at the time.),

and two social sciences, Psych 101 and anthropology 112 (basically in psychology we crocheted and watched youtube videos about psychological experiments, and I actually didn't learn anything in "exploring non-western cultures", or ant 112, so I couldn't tell you what it was all about. I will say that I passed, which is what matters.)

And after dealing with all that, I may immerse myself in my major: ART. That means a ceramic class, a sculpture class, a drawing class, a color and composition class, and an advanced writing class (because I like writing too).

There has never been a cooler semester. Regardless of my troubles with men (spawn of satan goth guy) I had an AWESOME academic semester.

Buuuuut all good things must come to an end. And there's nothing messier about coming to an end than doing it with an artistic flair. I have three portfolio presentations in a week, and a large pipe house to grind down the welds on and put together and stake into the ground. the thing is 9 feet tall!! Eight feet across... three feet back.... it's huge. And it's due next week.

PANIC!!

Of note:

Damnit. Self-respect just doesn't appear to be my thing. I am not awesome.

The problem with women's underclothing

Yes, we want it to be sexy. But we also want it to be comfortable.

Also, it's nice if it's actually functional.

I have the sexiest little undershirt in the world. Or is it a bustier? Or a corset!? I DON'T KNOW! It's like a long camisole and a sexy bra got together and made a beautiful baby! The material is stretchy, so I don't have to feel like A: it fits awkwardly or B: I have to stuff myself into it and not breath too hard for fear of bursting out of it like the hulk out of his screen-t.

Also, it holds the hills high whilst still covering my belly. I can wear it under shirts that might not otherwise be long enough. (sorry, I'm not gonna get into baring my belly until said belly chooses to turn into abs of steel. But I'm neither holding my breath nor doing the thirty minute abs work out while I wait.

It is a bra. AND an undershirt. And it's not going to last forever. Which is a terrible shame because among all those other things, it's also sexy. I remember the creepy old man at the register winked and asked "You gettin all dolled up tonight, eh?" when I bought it. And goth guy liked it.

Of course he generally didn't pause at the underclothing. I think sexy underclothing is mostly for us women. Sure, the men probably appreciate them, as long as they get to tear them off. But we're the ones that like wearing them.

Anyway, the point is that I'm panicking because A: walmart hasn't had this sexy little piece since I bought it two years ago (Yes. Walmart. I'm sorry. Shut up. I'm poor.) and B: I can't find it online and C: I've scoured high and low, every store on the list, but I cannot find them ANYWHERE!!

What will I do without it!? How can I LIVE? I mean, I love my traditional bras, I do. But it's hard to find a truly long undershirt that isn't a shitty tank-top! WE WANT SOFT, STRETCHY T-SHIRT MATERIAL UNDERSHIRTS WITH SPAGHETTI STRAPS!! Or I do, anyway.

Actually, I want stretchy, silky material with a BRA on top.