Thoughts from the end stall

I sit in the corner stall, avoiding my work-out because I'm tired. I haven't eaten today, the thunder got me up two and a half hours early, and coffee just wasn't enough. I am so tired.

I can feel my pulse in my thighs. I was on the treadmill for a grand total of 22 minutes. Did I give up because I was tired and unfocused, or because I was bored?

I think about my Saturday night date. Meh. He seemed... Boring? I didn't feel an attraction. But maybe he was nervous or didn't want to talk too much. I'm going to see him again. I never develop attraction to people before I get to know them.

My friend suggests a three strikes rule. That seems like a lot of dates. Also, if a guy presents himself as really interesting on the first date or first meeting, doesn't that indicate rampant narcissism? That he's so self-involved that he just got really good at presenting himself?

But then does that make me a narcissist too? For focusing on myself and learning to put my needs first more often? Surely there's a balance and a guy can be interesting without being totally self-involved? A little humble?

Ugh. Why do men have to feel like enemy soldiers? Dating. What a world.

Of note:

I deeply resent a date that makes me come up with everything. Have a fucking original thought. Impress me for fuck's sake.

Oh, I have to pick the day, time, and you have no location suggestions? Lovely. You seem like a winner.

Of course one never knows. Maybe I'm just ridiculous judgemental. Or maybe I have unreasonable expectations.

Or Hell maybe he's nervous.

Gah. Balancing my bitch with my facilitator is hard.

Why shouldn't I be angry?

Ex just confessed his feelings for me.

What is this, Fuck with honestgoth month? Because the universe is on a roll. Two solid weeks of work, dealing with a full on business catastrophe during that time, and then two weeks of depression and psychological paralysis, and dealing with massive urges to hurt myself and the almost impossible urges to binge and purge. I've avoided the first sort of, except for giving into the second. And then this.

That's not including all the other little things, like my cycle still not starting, finding out crush wasn't single, feeling like a total fat-ass, having to reject an interested friend, and being triggered when I watched the shining.

I didn't even know I had a trigger, but verbal abuse moving toward violence, watching it, like jack yelling at his wife, that did it.

Seriously. This just finally went too far.

God? I know we disagree on a lot of key points, like most of the bible (provided that crazy book was even your idea to begin with). But I need strength right now. Also maybe magic. Or heavily advanced science. Just... Please. Help me. This is a nightmare.

I take great satisfaction in being able to roll with the punches, handle anything, one way or another, regardless of the actual outcome. I need to be strong, for me. So that I go the right direction in my life. Somehow. So that I don't let people down, or I tear them down, depending on who they are and how they choose to conduct themselves.

So that I don't pick the wrong guy, and I don't disappoint my mother. So that I'm a good parent some day.

I can't afford these mental breakdowns.

Please help me.