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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

What am I doing with my life?

I just have to turn into a total asshole for a few weeks to get my ex to leave me alone.


Maybe If I just learned to say, "sorry I'm busy" or "sorry I'm really tired tonight" I'd be okay. Anyway About a week and a half ago we had a week of wild sex. The unprotected, pull out kind. Because he hates condoms and I'm an idiot. Now my period is a week late. I took a pregnancy test a few days after it should have started and it was negative. But apparently it could be a false negative? According to the internet?

It's ridiculous the amount of websites I found saying, "IT'S OKAY! YOU MIGHT STILL BE PREGGERS!" fuck "i-wanna-be-a-mommy-so-bad-i-wet-myself" sites. I need a OH GOD I CAN'T CARE FOR A CHILD RIGHT NOW! I CAN'T GET A GOOD JOB FOR SHIT! type site.

Because I can't. I just had an argument with my mother something along the lines of "You're 24 years old, what are you doing with your life??"



I always thought I'd at least know what I was doing with myself by now. Know what to do, where to go, have a decent job to get me through it.

Friday, April 5, 2013

I did it

I never thought getting my ex out of my life would be so upsetting. But I finally just came out and said it. My friends had been pushing me to finally go through with it. Specifically C was worried that I would end up severely damaged, emotionally. Honestly I think I already need therapy.

Anyway she sent me a message about it, and I must have made an upset face. He was coming out of the shower and asked what was wrong. And I just went for it.

I said, "This is bad for me."

At first he didn't understand. But I repeated it and it just clicked. THIS. Is bad for me. He had to have known what he's been doing to me, right? This couldn't have just come out of nowhere.

He did admit to using me. And he gave me his keys. He gave me his keys. It's really over. I'm happy and miserable at the same time. Now I can finally start to get better. I can date without shame. Thank God. Thank you. I should probably hate God for all he's let me go through. All this and my grandfather died last week. Out of nowhere. While I was having a crisis of faith. Mom called and said he'd had a heart attack and I dropped my crisis and prayed. And he died anyway. How can something so twisted avert a crisis of faith? I think I'm right about this therapy thing.

I can't believe that deep down I was still hoping he cared. What a nightmare. He never did. I know that. He never even loved me. And every time I got into his stuff, like his computer and his phone, there was another dirty conversation or girl or photos or something.

He used me. All this time, he was just using me because I made it easy.

Yeah, I definitely need therapy.