The path to legend

I'm learning how to belly dance. And I'm trying to lose weight. I've lost about ten pounds, but I haven't got the heart to check since the holidays came around. I ate a lot of food. So I'm gonna take a couple weeks to work really hard at sticking to my calorie counting and exercise before checking the scale.

I want to be amazon sexy. Exotic. I'm gonna turn into what I want to be, what I day dream about being. The book my uncle gave me for Christmas (Become your own match maker: 8 steps to finding your perfect mate by Pattie Stranger. I laughed when I unwrapped it but started reading it anyway.) says that I need to take a detox period of 30 to 90 days to just focus on me.

I've wanted to do THAT ever since I became single. And I've been trying. But this is it! I'm doing it. I signed up for the last classes I need to finish my associate today. (terrified. what if I fail to finish? NO. I have to finish.) I'm learning how to belly dance. I'm keeping my house clean. I'm planning a big painting. I'm working on my novel again.

This is my chance. I just focus on improving myself, being happy with myself. Doing things that make me happy, rather than my ex. I have to forgive him though. For all the stupid he put me through. And all the stupid he continues to put me through. Argh. That doesn't sound very forgiving of me, does it... Damn.

I'll work on it. And my weight. I'm so excited to be sexy. It's HAPPENING. I mean, I liked me before, but I've always wanted to weigh less. Here's my chance. And being happy with myself just the way I am is going to be a huge boost in my sex appeal. Guys will want me. More so. As it were the only people I'm beating off with a stick are my coworkers, which is weird. And beating off with a stick is what I mean when my coworkers keep telling me that other coworkers have the hots for me. Once one of them slapped my ass... but that's about as rough as it got.

Anyway I figured I ought to explain my new counter on this blog, which will show my success (or failure, or stagnation) in weightloss land.

Oh, and the other one is to prevent me from banging my ex. Because that book says I'll stay stuck on him because of the oxytocin that my body releases whenever I have an orgasm. And that will keep me from moving on. Also no sex or dates during detox. So I guess it's supposed to help me there... but then again I guess that's not particularly forgiving... gerrraugh DAMNIT WHATEVER.

Of note:

It appears my menstrual cycle has synched with the apocalypse. What a coincidence. OR IS IT??

bad date

Well I'm attempting to date again. Yet, paranoid, I look for problems in every guy. So I've found one that managed to get through. Good sign? You'd think so. He's rather shy and awkward, eh, I figure a good one is worth waiting to get him out of his shell.

And he's very talkative online. Funny, goofy, seems like my kind of person.

But I'm worried about something that I always used to think was stupid to worry about. Money. We went out to lunch. He had two debit cards that didn't work after he realized the restaurant didn't do american express and he couldn't use his credit card.

I have been raised in such a way as to be horrified at the thought of buying lunch with a credit card to begin with. Darn my cash conscious mother...

Also he's a student. Living off loans with no job. Erk. But then again, lots of successful people did that... My sister in law used loans, her and my brother are still paying them off. Although I'm not sure how that's gonna work after the divorce. The bitch cheated on my brother for 8 years and passed off TWO children as my brother's when they weren't. Poor brother. He still loves those kids and thinks of them as his though. So anyway maybe not so successful. But she could have just as easily made better decisions, right?

Right?

And then on top of this X is still around. Hugging, holding, kissing, getting me off in the bathtub. (that one was kind of my fault for leaving the door open)

So I feel bad dating a decent guy with X in the background, but not as much when I think about how X is looking around too.  And then I don't feel as bad when decent guy appears to not be financially stable. What am I? A gold digger? It's not like X was even vaguely ambitious. Well it's not like I'm monogamous with anyone, so I owe nothing to anybody. I can do what I like. But then again I should just be a better person anyway. I know better.

That God knows and is disappointed.

I'm such a horrible person. I'm sorry God. I'm so sorry. This was never what I wanted in this life. You knew that and tried to show me the right way to go. And I didn't and now I don't know how to get out without being inconsiderate or stomping on the toe of somebody I like or care about. Without tearing a limb off of my own body.

I may bleed. I may die. I'm frightened. But God, just so you know I'm really sorry. None of this was ever to hurt you.

Ms. Lonely

I'm so lonely.

A few days ago I took almost all of the Ex's stuff that was still at my house and drove it over to his place at 3 in the morning. He'd been living in my condo and paying rent for his own. He seriously didn't go there for months.

And now he actually lives over there. And my house is so empty. And I'm sad and lonely. I worry about him still when I don't hear from him. But now there's nothing I can do about it.

I know he's not eating. Dumbass has no food because he eats out while he has money but then has no groceries once he only has enough left to pay rent. I try to help out, I say I'll call him after work and we'll do dinner or something.  He says that sounds good.

I call. He doesn't answer. Did I just get stood up by my ex?

I hate empty house. I hate that tomorrow I'm going to get up at 9:30 and do the same exact thing that I did the last 2 days. Go to work. Work for 9-10 hours. Come home and feel too tired to do anything creative, fun or useful. At least I'll be able to pay my car registration and some extra bills. I'm not buying groceries so I can scrape together enough money to buy my mom a Christmas present.

And here I am at the computer again, typing out to nobody because I'm so sad, and it's the only way to vent without compromising my comprehended emotional strength.

Ugh. I give up for now.