bad date

Well I'm attempting to date again. Yet, paranoid, I look for problems in every guy. So I've found one that managed to get through. Good sign? You'd think so. He's rather shy and awkward, eh, I figure a good one is worth waiting to get him out of his shell.

And he's very talkative online. Funny, goofy, seems like my kind of person.

But I'm worried about something that I always used to think was stupid to worry about. Money. We went out to lunch. He had two debit cards that didn't work after he realized the restaurant didn't do american express and he couldn't use his credit card.

I have been raised in such a way as to be horrified at the thought of buying lunch with a credit card to begin with. Darn my cash conscious mother...

Also he's a student. Living off loans with no job. Erk. But then again, lots of successful people did that... My sister in law used loans, her and my brother are still paying them off. Although I'm not sure how that's gonna work after the divorce. The bitch cheated on my brother for 8 years and passed off TWO children as my brother's when they weren't. Poor brother. He still loves those kids and thinks of them as his though. So anyway maybe not so successful. But she could have just as easily made better decisions, right?

Right?

And then on top of this X is still around. Hugging, holding, kissing, getting me off in the bathtub. (that one was kind of my fault for leaving the door open)

So I feel bad dating a decent guy with X in the background, but not as much when I think about how X is looking around too.  And then I don't feel as bad when decent guy appears to not be financially stable. What am I? A gold digger? It's not like X was even vaguely ambitious. Well it's not like I'm monogamous with anyone, so I owe nothing to anybody. I can do what I like. But then again I should just be a better person anyway. I know better.

That God knows and is disappointed.

I'm such a horrible person. I'm sorry God. I'm so sorry. This was never what I wanted in this life. You knew that and tried to show me the right way to go. And I didn't and now I don't know how to get out without being inconsiderate or stomping on the toe of somebody I like or care about. Without tearing a limb off of my own body.

I may bleed. I may die. I'm frightened. But God, just so you know I'm really sorry. None of this was ever to hurt you.