I want to be beautiful

So much.

Sometimes I believe that I am. Now is not one of those times.

Went and lost my dignity to goth guy again last night. It's the worst because I know what he is. I know that all he wants me around for is company and pleasure. So why would I bother? Shouldn't I be proud enough to tell him no?

I know there's no chance of us being something. He made it that way. So why does he insist on my sharing my body with him?

And then once we finally spend some *not* fooling around time together, all he can talk about is beautiful women. Other. Beautiful women.

"You know the only problem with this woman? She is not my girlfriend!!"

Great. Regretting getting you off in the car now.

Am I REALLY the only action he can get? I think I'd rather be free. I wish that he respected me. Or any woman. I really doubt that he does.

How can he admit that him and I could never be anything and then still seduce me? Because believe you me I didn't come back easily. He just talked and talked and touched and tried to kiss. I kept saying no and he just wouldn't take it for an answer.

Why wouldn't he take no for an answer if I wasn't special? What the hell? Why put me through this shame and take away every chance I have for falling in love with someone who would care? Someone who would respect me?

And here I waste my time wishing I was beautiful and a little older, more in his league, so that maybe he'd change his mind. I'm despicable.

And I'm crying. As I should be. I don't really deserve to be happy at this point. Because I can't even respect myself.