Legend-WAITFORIT-ary!

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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

mmmm. acid.

Here to spew more hate for my ex. He's back on speaking terms with his ex wife. He's all pleased as punch that it's like the bad things from their marriage never happened. I asked if they were gonna start hanging out again? No. He knows what he'd do. (of note: bang her. that's what he'd do. Like what he does to me. Even after the "just friends" talk.)

Glad you at least respect her dignity, you ass. As for me? Nope. No respect for the woman you admitted to having used as a rebound after your marriage. Fuck you, you horrible, worthless dick. I hate you for doing this to me.

I used to be strong like that! And now I envy your ex the ability to get away from you, to cut you out of her life. You felt bad for wronging her. YOU FELT BAD FOR WHAT YOU DID, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! WHAT ABOUT ME?? DON'T I DESERVE SOME OF YOUR RESPECT? HOW ABOUT SOME SHAME?? FEEL BAD FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!! FUCK YOU!

You're just my john. You'd remember, Ex. That guy that C was dating before she met your buddy, chef school? Chef really loved her but she couldn't keep her ex, john, out of her pants. THAT'S YOU NOW!! You despised that guy. You fucking became that guy. Good job. Loser.

If you lived at your own damn apartment, I'd be free. I'd be getting myself out in the world, dating other guys. But no, you'll put this all on me. A wimp for not kicking you out. Because I'd feel bad. Ugh. Man I hate you. Fuck you for still wanting me to care about you. You are so selfish. You're not getting a fucking thing for Christmas.

Maybe a card. And rather than putting heart warming words, I'll just sign it. Or I suppose I could enclose a printed copy of one of these blogs. That might do it. Tell you just how much I despise being treated like this.

I hate that you've made me into a pathetic little whore who can't say no to her ex. You've made me into a loser. You've made me into the kind of woman that stays with a guy who abuses her.

You hit me a few times. Ironically the only time I felt like my life was in danger is that day you were supposed to move out but didn't. You didn't hit me that day. But I just knew that if you snapped, if you lost your concentration or lost control, I would die. You would have torn me to pieces with your bare hands. Yeah. That's how I see you whenever you get angry. As a danger. Man. That day I was half resolved to run home to my mother.

But I didn't want her to come after you. A: it was my battle, not hers. B: I couldn't let her know how afraid I was of dying at your hands. I never wanted her to think so little of you, or to hate you. C: I didn't want you to go to jail or the crazy house or something awful like that.

So mostly I'm a coward because I'm afraid for you, I guess.

Also I don't really want to die. And I hate being alone. And I'd miss cuddles. But then again you'll always have some other girl to cuddle. I was just a space filler. How could you do this to me? You just wasted all this time I spent with you. It didn't even mean anything. You never even loved me. You lied. Then you stayed with me until you'd found someone you thought you could move on to. And came back when she didn't work out. You'll fuck any woman that you spend any significant amount of time with.

I wasn't special at all.

Happy two year anniversary yesterday, by the way. Thanks for making the last two years of my life completely worthless.

Why did you have to make me believe that you loved me? I trusted you and you turned out being the biggest lie I ever believed. I really thought that was all I needed. I thought it was a simple thing. I love him, he loves me, at long last my searching is at an end! Oh. No? It has to be more complicated than that? Ahh, I see, I was meant to suffer more. This is actually just another torture.

Why didn't he leave after we had that talk? Is it the wii? Fine, he can have it. I'll ask for one for my next birthday or something. I'll miss the netflix, but I'll get over it. That's an easy loss. No, he just can't handle being alone. I wish he'd be alone with someone else that he doesn't love. Even up in PA with ms. slutterpants.

Maybe he stays with me because my spirit is all broken and I'm not about to ever fall in love with him again. Yeah, that probably makes me the safest bet. damn.

I hate this life. I'm going to bed. I'll wake up stuck in the same nightmare. fuck this life. I just want to cut my skin to pieces so I can feel the pain and know just how wrong I am. I haven't cut in a long time though.

It was to punish myself, sometimes. But deep down what I really wanted was a physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain. It's like stomping on somebody's toe to make their headache seem less painful by comparison. I haven't felt like this in a long time. The anger, the self loathing, the desire to inflict damage on myself. I know that elsewhere inside my mind I hope he'll see it and understand what he's done to me. Which is all that probably stops me.

I don't want to be a crazy little drama queen. Ohhh, you've hurt my feelings, I'll slice me so that you can feel bad for meeeee.... No.

Fuck this. End already.

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