Sleepless night

I don't know why I can't fall asleep. But I can conjecture.

Maybe it's because of Goth guy. I haven't spoken to him for nearly a week, and our last conversation was unpleasant. I haven't even texted. It's like he wanted me to get mad at him just so he could retreat to his pity corner. But I didn't rise to the bait so suddenly he just took offense at everything I said.

But the big issue with him at the moment is that I feel I'm nearly ready to actually move on. To beg God to take away my feelings for him. I have prayed for this. This is not something I was willing to ask for before.

Because I wasn't ready to let go.

I'm not really ready now. But I'm ready to actually try. I'm ready to leave him alone. I'm willing to ask God for my heart back.

But if he calls, and he's kind, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know if I'm ready to say, 'no. I won't be seeing you.' I might try to get him to settle for coffee or a movie. Pathetic, I know.

But the place I'm going isn't a fun one. It's either stay and pine over him (which I don't want), or it's get over him and be alone without someone to hope for.

Eventually there will be somebody else. But like all things it'll probably take it's time. And I don't look forward to that time of loneliness.

Maybe the reason I can't sleep tonight is because of Good guy. Who wasn't near as good as I thought.

He confessed to loving me. The next week he got into a relationship with some other girl. I asked about it. It's 'something to pass the time'. He admits his dislike for her. He tells me she knows that he doesn't see it going anywhere.

And then he still has the gaul to tell me he loves me.

Shame on him. That's despicable. So now I have to find a way to tell him I don't want to see him on thursday. Or ever. Is there an easy way to tell somebody this?

I'm sure he'll offer change. He'll offer to break it off. And I won't be interested. Because it was in his heart to do it, and he saw nothing wrong with living in it.

That would be like me finding nothing wrong in my involvement with Goth guy. No. There was plenty of wrong in that. And some of it I don't regret as I should, but I sure as hell can admit that it's wrong. I know that I have to apologize to my God, because I have sinned. I have hurt him.

But Good guy saw no problem in what he did.

Maybe smoking a cigarette would make me sleepy.

I went out drinking for the first time on saturday night. With my cousin. We had a good time. Two men hit on me. One was Puertorican football playing Eddie. Nice guy. Into the "goth look". I let it slide because I like the attention. Didn't go to his afterparty. But I did get invited.

I'll be smoking that cigarette now. Sweet dreams, cruel world.