Silver lining

Well, seeing as I no longer have a really sexy reason to murder my own conscience, I suppose I can start nursing it back to health.

I felt bad doing this, knowing full well that God didn't approve. I mean, I questioned him about it, and I prayed. I always prayed. I actually prayed for goth guy. For God to touch his life. Somehow. Seeing as I wasn't doing a very good job of it.

I love my God. There's never been something that came between me and Him like this. There was never a sin I preferred at the expense of my faith. I always thought, this is wrong and I will not do this or continue doing this. It was always easy to fight.

Not easy to win. But I at least fought.

This time I fought the hardest I ever had. And then I fell. And I felt terrible. Never again, I said. And then I fell again. And again. And soon it wasn't even falling anymore. It was jumping. Sliding in, feet first, eyes wide open. For the first time in my life, I stopped fighting.

The first time he kissed me I was terrified. I'd already decided I didn't want him. He wasn't a Christian. I wasn't so much disappointed as determined to get away cleanly.

And then, when I said I should go, he took my face in his hands and brought my lips to his. And the whole time I was panicking because I didn't want it.

You know, even after all that, I still remember it fondly, somehow. It was my first kiss.

A couple months passed without incident. He smiled at me, he waved, he tried to call a couple times. I didn't answer. I would never let him get in my car because I knew he'd try it again.

He always wanted me to come see a movie at his place with him.

The last night of classes. The night I thought might be the last I'd ever see him. I was decked out. There was a TOP HAT, for goth's sake. I finally I went to his apartment.

He made me dinner. And when I couldn't calm down, he kissed me on the right cheek, then on the left, and then again on the right and told me not to be nervous. And my resolve was melting.

Kiss me here, he said, and pointed to the side of his neck just below his jaw. And I did. Keep going, he said. And I did.

And we went to his bedroom. And I lost my shirt, and bra. And he kissed my breasts and it felt so good. And I didn't even think twice about plying my tongue when he exposed himself. It just came naturally to me.

Yet the whole time I felt an undercurrent of shock and shame and guilt. And afterwords, I told him I would never come back.

I almost went back to him on Christmas eve. But I decided against it. Only just. I was halfway to his apartment before I turned myself around. I still know it was the right decision.

We'd seen each other around the workshop, in the previous semester. That's how we'd met. I just enjoyed his looks until he beckoned me over and held my hand too long when he introduced himself, and told me I had beautiful eyes.

Everything went back to normal. I did not pine or whine. After the first week of my new semester, I had not seen him at all. You can imagine my shock when the next week he walked into one of my classes and sat next to me.

This is going to be an interesting semester, he said.

I said no for weeks. He was so persistent. I told him it was against my faith. He said I could keep my faith. I said I wanted to stay a virgin. He said I could keep that too. I said no. He was hurt. And I was dying inside because I'd never wanted something so much. I ached and deliberated. Would I disobey my God for a taste of this forbidden thing?

I finally said, ok. Let's try this. He was so glad that he pulled me to him and kissed me. So softly.

And then I went to his apartment again, and learned what pleasure could really be. The pants came off and he plied his tongue to my secret places. For a couple weeks everything was wonderful. I was excited and delighted and he was sweet and seductive.

And then he said he couldn't do it. That it'd all been a lie. He didn't care about me at all. I was so hurt. I cried, right there in front of him. After he worked so hard to have me, it was all for nothing. After I deliberated so long about having him, he ditched me on the turn of a dime.

And then the next week, he invited me to his apartment.

Baby's first friend with benefits. I’ve still never been in a real relationship.

But it felt so good, what he did to me, that I didn't care. I was addicted.

Now he’s ditched me again a few weeks later. I'd been hiding it from my parents, after he broke it off the first time. They'd been so disappointed at me for seeing a guy like that. And I cried to them when he hurt me. So I didn't want to further disappoint them.

It's nice to not have him between me and God anymore. Even if it wasn't my choice. Maybe I'll have the strength to tell him off if there's a next time. Maybe I'll see it coming the next time a guy like him starts to throw me for a loop.

I have a chance to be free. The feelings are very slowly dying down inside of me. Hopefully they will be gone and I'll be able to mean it when I say never again.

I will flee temptation. Not run into his arms.