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Saturday, March 20, 2010

Bad Christian

BA ha ha.

My private journal reads like a smutty romance novel.

Bad for my religious stance, I know. Hopefully I can resist in the future. I could just reread old journal entries to fulfill my sorry physical desires... But that's probably borderline hedonistic too.

It's funny, I'm one of three virgins left in the group of friends and acquaintances that I graduated from high school with. I know, it's been a couple years, but still. I graduated from a private Christian school.

(and that would be three out of roughly fifteen women. One fifth. Twenty percent. And I hung out with the GOOD girls. So I'm sure those statistics get more drastic if you take my entire graduating class into consideration.)

And even then, out of us three, I think only one of us hasn't been fooling around. And she's actually horrified by the thought of men and touching. That stuff grosses her out. More than your average female. It's like sex organs aren't even supposed to exist, in her mind. So she's kind of like an alien, which means she sort of doesn't count.

Not that I'm justifying the rest of us. I just think it's really unusual for ANY girl, even a Christian girl, to hold this stuff off for that long. (Is that a terrible thing to say?)

But then again, this kind of stuff actually makes me question God. Not his existence. I know that he exists, and I know that his son died for my sins. That I believe. And I believe in him for my salvation.

But what does God care about gays? Or oral sex?

Why should he care?

Is that so terrible to ask? This God, or what I know of him, is all about love. Treating other people right. So what does it matter who we love or how we love them?

The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control and several other things that are sort of like those but at the moment escape my memory. (too lazy to google? I think so. Oops. Patience fail.)

The point is that all the things that Christ emphasized were matters of the heart, not of the body. Being good. Does that mean not banging before marriage, and only banging someone that's the opposite gender, and not fooling around before hand (which isn't actually specifically mentioned in the Bible so if I wanted to pick some nits I'd be set)?

Or does that mean giving to the poor and loving God and treating other people like we want to be treated?

It just bothers me that God has to have so much trouble with something like loving someone that doesn't believe the same way as me. Or loving someone that's the same gender as me. The only one that could potentially get hurt is me, and that will either be because the guy that doesn't believe like me has different standards and WANTS to fool around (which circles back to my original question), or because I get something hideous like AIDS.

That's a special kind of love. A selfless, unconditional love.

Aren't we supposed to rejoice in suffering because it gives us a chance to show how God has changed our hearts? Because it gives us a chance to demonstrate his love?

I know that the rules we have are the way God wants it, but I'll always wonder why.

I mean, he got involved with us... If you want to look at trying to be like God, look at what he got involved with. He gave selfless love to creatures that he knew were bad for him. That he knew would hurt him.

God got into a bad relationship, and willingly. Because he had enough love to give it all up for us.

Oof. I think I broke my philosophy bone. Next time a lighter subject, like guacamole or veganism. Or socialism. Or quantum physics.

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