Of note:

I say a lot of harsh things about X. But I do care about him. I like having him around, even just in a friendy way. I don't actually hate anybody that much. Except Goth guy. I kind of wish he'd died, rather than my boss (the other person in the world I admit to having hated).

That's why I pop onto my blog. Because all this anger will dissipate. That's why I write down my horrible, hateful words. That way they don't fester inside my heart. Either they'd destroy my heart, or even worse, they'd pop out and I'd hurt somebody that I care about.

My angry rants protect my friends, family, customers, coworkers and even my ex. He may have messed me up on some level, but I was already messed up on a deeper level. I have a mindset that says I need to make myself really useful or else I won't be kept around. I feel like I need to be a door mat or something. Not true.

I just have to remember to give less the next time I have a relationship. Mom told me she used to be the same. She used to give guys everything, feed them, give them herself, etc. And it wasn't until she stopped doing that and turned into a bitch (her word, not mine. best mom ever.) that she started to get guys worth their salt.

It's happening. I'm gonna be awesome. Step one is my body. So I'm just going to have to try to be careful how I eat until I'm done with this class and can start taking the gym a little more seriously. Argh. But life's going to be busy at lots of times in my life.... Eh. It's happening. I will work really hard to figure this out. Just like with my class.