Life hate. Maximum life hate.

I hate myself.

I hate myself because I'm overweight. I know what to do to lose weight, I just don't feel like doing it. Consistently. I know I shouldn't eat it, I eat it, I stick my finger down my throat. How the fuck does that work? I find fun ways to exercise, I get a gym membership. I only do them sometimes. Why? It would be so easy and fun to be healthy. And it would be so easy to get guys. Simple, really. Sexy body plus my awkward but winning personality (just because I try to be nice and do good doesn't mean I can't take a little pride in it) is a winning lotto ticket. The golden equation, actually. Life would be so much more fun if I were prettier. No, wrong word. I am pretty, in my way. But I'd be accessible to more men if I was skinnier. No no, hear me out. I try to be open minded about guys. But frankly I won't touch a really obese guy. It just won't happen. Try as I might I won't be able to look past the folds. It's a real thing. And if I can feel that way, then I'm sure guys have the right to feel the same.

So that's gonna change. Golden goddess, here I come.

I hate myself because my ex will always control my life until he finds someone else. I won't get back together with him, that's not the problem. The problem is that he still lives here. I still worry. I still give him rides and pass out watching him play video games. I still get upset when he leaves for an indeterminate amount of time, or goes to his place. I still feel a little jealous that he's probably talking up all kinds of girls, and worry every time I fuck up and sleep with him that I'm going to turn into "the other woman" by accident, just because he's a man whore and I might not know if there's someone else.

He still flips his shit and yells at me sometimes. Maybe he'll someday yet again flip his shit and hit me. When my cycle was 2 weeks late and I told him it was a cyst he said he was kind of hoping it was a baby. Fuck, dude. What is your problem? You think it'd be cool to have a kid with me? YOU'RE CRAZYSAUCE! I should never have moved out with him. If I hadn't I wouldn't be stuck with him now. I can't date. I can't move on with my life. When he's around his laziness affects me and I can't get anything done.

I don't know if I have the guts to change that. Let's see how I do after step one.

I hate myself because I'm lazy. I can't read 100 pages in a whole day off. Mind you it's biology, not fiction, but that's no excuse. I'm taking a class, seriously just one class, and I accidentally signed up for the accelerated course. FUCKGAHDAMNSHITBAGELCUNTWAGON. Five chapters of plant biology in a week. Plus 2 lab activities, the lab activity I have to make up for from last week because my asshole coworker quit without notice and I got shacked with a shift on homework day, the beginning of the big class science project, which I haven't even begun to decide on, all 5 lectures to go WITH the chapters, and a quiz. In a week.

I am so glad I only took one class. 6 and a half weeks to go. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. I WILL GET A FUCKING "A". Lol. Pun accidental but appreciated.

That one I can change. And so I will. Bitch.