God forgive us the things that we do...

Will I really end up staying with him?

What a terrible mystery. I wonder what Sherlock Holmes would tell me. He'd know right away. Because he's Sherlock. You know.

I love Music Man. I know that Music Man loves me. But of course there's a problem. And of course it's his ex-wife. He wishes he could have made it work. I asked if he wished he was back with her rather than with me, like if he could go back, would he? He told me if I had never seen him, yes. Not, no, not now that I know you. I love you and want to be with you.

If she asked to work it out, his heart would break because he couldn't. What, because he's stuck with me? THAT'S not okay.

He tried to leave me a week before valentines day. Because it wasn't fair to me and he needed to deal with his shit by himself. And I fought back. I said no. I fought for him to stay with me. Because I love him so much.

Sometimes he makes me feel guilty for doing this. He says I played "the game". Whatever anyone does in a relationship to keep the person they love is apparently part of "the game". Or if they're trying to get what they want, they play "the game".

I hate it. So, so much. Fuck the game. I don't want to play. stop saying that I already am. I don't want to.

Finally I asked, did he regret the choice to stay with me? No. He doesn't. So I don't see why he has to make me feel bad about it. I don't know that he does it intentionally. But it's awful.

There is only one person in this world that I wish was a bad person. Her. If she was a bad person then I might feel like a savior rather than just the poor bastard that came after her. The woman he feels he'd be perfect for, now that he's the man he feels he was when they first met.

Erggh. I wish she was a cylon. Or a cannibal. Or a serial killer.

Just so I could feel like I wasn't second string.

That's terrible.

Ah well. I hope some day he can love me like he loved (loves?) her. And I have to remember that there isn't just one perfect person out there for everyone. We fuck up sometimes. We do something that makes it impossible for a previously compatible pair to continue on. And then we have to move on to somebody else, to see if they too are compatible.

God forgive us the things that we do. And/or think.....