Subconscious strikes again

I had a dream about Good Guy last night. He'd finally found somebody, and seemed to be happy. He tried to rub it in my face, but I think eventually we all did something together.

And in the dream, I thought to myself, That could have been me. I could be together with someone, about to get married, and she could be alone. That could have been me.

I awoke and reminded myself that she was getting the short end of the stick, unless he'd changed as a person.

It was a strange dream, and made me think about how I'd burned that bridge. I have no doubt that I did the right thing. The way he had behaved was unacceptable. But I missed having the option to date a jerk, I guess.

I think I must just be lonely. And that happens to everybody. Someday I'll find a perfect fella that I can seduce by cooking amazing food for him. There will be flour-covered kitchen sex. Not to say that I'll be a domestic goddess. He'll be DAMNED greatful for every bite he gets.

Maybe he'll happily live the alternative life-style by my side. I know that's something I really liked about Goth Guy. We seemed right to be roaming the world together. Anybody that looked at us thought we might be together, and wouldn't fuck with us because we were awesome.

(...looking)

I don't know. I just imagine that someone really different will get me. But maybe your average schmoe is gonna end up being the lucky fella that really makes sense of me. (I suppose he won't be average inside his head. And I guess that's what counts.)

I guess it's just been a long recovery from Goth Guy. I keep fantasizing that he'll walk around a corner and try to seduce me. I think part of me is relying on the hope that he will do just that. Because that part of me still loves him more than words can say.

But it's only a small part now, rather than the whole. So hopefully I never see him again, and never have to deal with that temptation. I would like to grow to hate him, or better yet not care. So that when he pops up with a girlfriend, it won't break my heart.