God is love

I'm aching today. My heart is killing me. I love how my coworker put it: heart problems. For when my feelings are a mess. Of course THESE messy feelings happen to be the love child of Goth guy and my birth control meds, which really throw me off balance until my body gets used to them.

So I did some spanish homework (Heavens, I had no idea 'ar' verbs could be so complex! Or, alternatively, so UNcomplex that it just throws me for three loops because I'm not sure if I should over or under complicate it. ¡Lastima!)

I drank some wine. I ate some wheat thins. I cried to my mother. I masturbated. I chatted with friends. I watched youtube videos and wasted time on MLIA and facebook.

Then I turned out the light and tried to think of something to entertain my mind until I fell asleep, since masturbation wasn't an option anymore. Fantasies. I used to day dream about adventures, and monsters, and being a hero, with only one person in all the world powerful enough to challenge me, to dominate me.

But my mind wouldn't be distracted. I said the prayer I say every time I lie down to sleep. "I lie down and sleep in peace, for You, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." It's part of the well-known 23rd Psalm. I remember when I was a kid, a friend of mine said it before she ate, because it was the only prayer she knew.

I opened my computer to give me light so I could get into my Bible. But my Bible isn't on the desk (el escritorio. sorry. spanish is getting into my head.) where I usually leave it. So instead I typed "God is love" into Google and hit "I'm feeling lucky".

I was directed to this site.

It appears to be catholic, but it's better than the site I'd seen a bit ago that used a verse in which a man was demanding of his wife that if she loved him, she'd claim to be his sister (because he was chicken because she was hot and he thought men might beat up on him to have her if they knew). It was supposed to be an example of God's love?

Further proof that any idiot with a computer can misquote the Bible and make God look like an asshole. I'm ashamed to be classified in the same religious group as those sorts of people... ah well. I suppose all walks of life have their idiots.

The site I eventually landed on was just about God's love, according to the Bible. I know it's Catholic. But they study the same Bible as me. And so when they reference it, they generally get it right.

God is love. Anyone that loves is born of God, knows God. Someone that does not love does not know God. I love the simplicity. And yet... how much does this change my world?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself. It's easy for me to love people. I'm actually sort of a sucker for em. But how do I love God? Obviously I want to know how, seeing as it's the greatest commandment. I can't hold God, hug God, tell God it's gonna be okay, lend God my car, pick God up from work, offer to watch zombie movies and drink beer with God when somebody breaks his heart......

Maybe I don't even begin to know what love is.