Fuck

I gave him my virginity and all I got was this stupid t-shirt.

Heh. I cannot BELIEVE I have the good fortune of being able to say that. The t-shirt wasn't all THAT bad. Goth guy actually has pretty good taste. And he buys me shirts. And gives gifts. And is now starting to expect tribute (aka gifts) in return......

But the sad truth is still there. I gave goth guy my virginity. He is between 10 and 15 years older than me. I am 21 years old. And we were drunk.

We bought vodka and orange juice. Frankly there was more vodka than orange juice the first time around. And slowly the orange juice became more and more diluted until it was nearly straight vodka, as new glasses were poured. I'd never been drunk before. After the first glass, my defenses were definitely down. So when he told me to take a really long drink, I just jumped on it.

Apparently drunk-me is very open to suggestions. Because when he told me to slap him, later, I didn't think twice.

But first came the flirting. I was terrible. A little vodka in me and I'm unstoppable, apparently. I admit he *might* have tried. But he didn't try too hard.

By the time I was super drunk, he told me he was gonna rape me. That I wasn't really a virgin anyway. When it happened, I didn't expect it. I remember losing my underwear. Don't really remember when I lost my skirt, shirt and bra, except I recall him asking me to take the bra off and I told him to do it.

And somehow we were in his bed. As far as I can remember, his clothes aparated off of his body.

Then I was under him and there was this harsh rubbing down below. It hurt. Like I was raw down there and his thang was made of sand paper... well, not that bad. Like that but much more bearable. Does that make sense? Like, that's what the sensation reminded me of, but it didn't hurt nearly as badly as it would have if that were true.

Sometime between the first and third time, I got really, really sick. I'd eaten a pita and some hummus over the last two days. What can I say? I was busy! But man was I sick. I kept vomiting vodka and water and bile. He told me to kiss him while I was busy doing this... I didn't really realize he'd gotten drunk too. I was too drunk to notice.

He said horrible, cruel things. When it finally started to feel a little good and I groaned some, he told me to shut up. When I started to cry while I was vomiting, or when he was hurting me, he told me to shut up. He kept calling me a bitch.

Neither of us came in the night. He didn't really try for me. I did put in a solid effort, but when it hurt too much for him to continue, there was nothing I could do. I couldn't sleep for a while after.

Once it got closer to morning, and I'd been sleeping some, his alarm kept going off. Every time it woke me, we were entangled. Maybe he'd clamped down on my belly with his legs, or our legs were all mixed up. Once I woke to find myself clamped to his chest, my face in his throat, his hand on top of my head. When I tried to get up he mumbled "don't leave..."

In the morning I woke to a "morning, beauty".

He didn't remember anything.

"We didn't do anything weird, did we?"

"Uhhhrrrm... like...?" (this marks the start of my initial panic. In my brain: Oh no. Oh no. Does he not remember what happened? Is he playing it off? Is he messing with me?)

"Like, sex?"

I stared at him. He seriously didn't remember anything.

"You fucked me. And it hurt. A lot."

Eyes got wide. He started panicking about getting me some spermicide and morning after pills, etc.

I stayed in bed long enough to explain (as I had the night before, stupidly, drunkenly which is probably what got me fucked in the first place) that I am and have been on birth control. (for hormones. come on people. give me some credit.)

Then I went and locked myself in the bathroom. I mean, how embarrassing!! I remembered but he didn't? Ugh.

Then there was "make up for the miserable drunken sex" sex and all was well.

The worst part of the whole thing though is that while I was drunk, he forced me to admit that I love him. That BASTARD!!