Of note:

Music man put his ex-wife under family in his phone contacts... It's probably petty for me to be bothered by that. Argh. I'm a terrible person. Probably.

SeX-files

In the interest of sexually educating myself I find myself filling my internet search history with horrifying things:

The dirty sanchez: I heard it mentioned on south park and I thought, huh, what an odd name for a sex position. I'll have to look that up. Pretty much involves fingering somebody in the asshole and drawing them a grody new mustache.

Did you know that the whips and chains are actually pretty light as far as bondage goes these days? There are women that drive giant needles through their breasts and put clamps on their labias. Yeah, I kind of thought I was kinky. I've got nothing on em.

I've found I've got a bit of a fetish for vine bondage porn. Generally it's all drawn, rather than pictures or videos.

A secondary note on vine bondage porn, I discovered a very disturbing picture of Yoshi in that particular search. No, I shan't link it. Google it. I'm sure you'll find it. But I'm not going to shoulder any responsibility for any kind of psychological trauma.

Tossing the salad, rimming and licking asshole all mean the same thing. Feels good to receive, blows my sense of self-worth to hell when I do it. (frankly goth guy insisted and I hate him for it. I hope he trips over a curb and messes his face up so bad that even his fancy new wife won't touch that shit.)

It is really freaking hard to find good written erotica online. Really, really hard. It's like there's no middle ground between too much plot (published erotica) and the scripts that the B rate porn industry rejected (the stuff I find online).

Seriously. I found a story about a crazy raping alien. It didn't get me horny. It just left me wondering how I'd managed to get to the end. (I've decided it's the same basic deal as a car accident with multiple fatalities. Just couldn't look away. No matter how horrible it was.)

Actually the best erotica I found online was accidental, whilst searching vine bondage on deviantart.com. I discovered this gem. The title is Fetish Island and it's a choose your own path erotica! GOOD IDEA. I commend the writer.

God forgive us the things that we do...

Will I really end up staying with him?

What a terrible mystery. I wonder what Sherlock Holmes would tell me. He'd know right away. Because he's Sherlock. You know.

I love Music Man. I know that Music Man loves me. But of course there's a problem. And of course it's his ex-wife. He wishes he could have made it work. I asked if he wished he was back with her rather than with me, like if he could go back, would he? He told me if I had never seen him, yes. Not, no, not now that I know you. I love you and want to be with you.

If she asked to work it out, his heart would break because he couldn't. What, because he's stuck with me? THAT'S not okay.

He tried to leave me a week before valentines day. Because it wasn't fair to me and he needed to deal with his shit by himself. And I fought back. I said no. I fought for him to stay with me. Because I love him so much.

Sometimes he makes me feel guilty for doing this. He says I played "the game". Whatever anyone does in a relationship to keep the person they love is apparently part of "the game". Or if they're trying to get what they want, they play "the game".

I hate it. So, so much. Fuck the game. I don't want to play. stop saying that I already am. I don't want to.

Finally I asked, did he regret the choice to stay with me? No. He doesn't. So I don't see why he has to make me feel bad about it. I don't know that he does it intentionally. But it's awful.

There is only one person in this world that I wish was a bad person. Her. If she was a bad person then I might feel like a savior rather than just the poor bastard that came after her. The woman he feels he'd be perfect for, now that he's the man he feels he was when they first met.

Erggh. I wish she was a cylon. Or a cannibal. Or a serial killer.

Just so I could feel like I wasn't second string.

That's terrible.

Ah well. I hope some day he can love me like he loved (loves?) her. And I have to remember that there isn't just one perfect person out there for everyone. We fuck up sometimes. We do something that makes it impossible for a previously compatible pair to continue on. And then we have to move on to somebody else, to see if they too are compatible.

God forgive us the things that we do. And/or think.....

Roxanne

It's a good name for her because she's pretty whorish. I dearly love her. But she's a whore.

She's been one of my closest friends for a long time. She used to be somebody that I knew would be well worth some fella's time some day. But now I just pity the fool.

Aforementioned fool happens to be Music Man's best friend. "Leave-britney-alone-guy-but-not-gay" is too long of a name, so we'll call him Lyrics lord. (another musician)

Lyrics Lord and Roxanne set me up with Music man. Back when they were dating. Which they aren't doing any more. Or so I thought...

Roxanne couldn't stop speaking to her ex-ass-hole-non-committal-friend-w-benefits.

Lord Lyrics (flows better than Lyrics Lord) couldn't handle it. And so he left her. And she was super bummed. She didn't let him go. She just kept going. Kept calling, texting, throwing herself at him. It really bothered me. It's like throwing yourself under the wheels of a truck that's already passed you by.

But this truck came back. heh. funny implications, there...

I don't understand people. I really thought that I sort of did. It is my JOB to talk to people at their most unreasonable: when they're trying to make sense of their phone bill. But I'm still at a loss as to how this is working.

Music man told me not two nights ago that Lord Lyrics couldn't care less if he saw Roxanne ever again. Apparently not the case.

I wonder how Roxanne redeemed herself.

Of note:

recently discovered car sex.

must scrub those seats.

The way you look at me

Music Man: I cannot admit to you that I have very much serious feelings for you because I'm afraid of how fickle you are. Cheery one minute, leaving without letting me kiss you goodnight the next.

I am so afraid. I think that I'm in love with you and then you essentially abandon me on a night when I really, really needed some support. Maybe I should have just said that out loud? How else can I say it?? I told you how hard my week had been, how frustrated I am with my job.

You can't have an emotional disaster on a night when I need you...

You can't leave telling me it's to keep yourself from screaming at me.... you're killing me. How can I admit to loving that now? I know you were trying to protect me, protect what we have. Idunno. You shouldn't have the sudden need to scream at somebody.

I know you're working on it. I'm not denying that. I'm simply a little freaked out because I'm just figuring out that I love you, and I work in a living hell. I'm dying there. They're killing me. I'd like to work fast food again. If I take my piercings out I can maybe work at in n out. They pay really well.

I was clingy tonight because I'm dying inside and I missed you. I hadn't seen you in days. Aaaand you left me crying. I know you were being good to me. You could have had the strength to kiss me goodnight. That I would have appreciated greatly.

I'm so scared of being with you. I want it so much, and every time I finally feel like it's okay, you welcome me, make me feel safe. But then the next time I see you it's like you want to strike the safe feelings away.

I love you.

I know that you love me. You had the courage to admit it while I'm still hiding. Please hurry. Fight back against this thing that drives you to such anger and come back to me. I really need you.

I know, I know, everyone comes to you needing something. And I'm trying so hard to not be the needy girlfriend, because it's not what YOU need right now. But I think every once in a while it's not such a bad thing, to foster my whiny self with your awesomeness. I ask for so little. I just want to be held.

Hurts

Music man misses his ex-wife.

He wouldn't stop me if I tried to leave, I don't think. What's worse is he feels trapped, because I told him he was one of the only good things in a life that's frankly terrible right now.

I guess I need to pretend that my life is good. And probably stop sleeping with him.

For once I get someone good that I like, and who likes me. And he has to be recently divorced, torn apart by the shame of his failure as a husband, missing his ex and telling me he feels trapped because apparently I'm too pathetic to leave.

Fuck. That hurts.