the hardest I ever hit, the most I've ever loved

Music man is everything to me. I love him deeply. I'm excited to move in with him this week. But tonight he made me really upset.

Suicide. Is. Despicable.

Even if it's just a thought.

It was between the hours of midnight and 2 am. The two hours of a day when music man is occasionally taken with horrible moods. Most of our few arguments have taken place during this time. And this time he was talking about death. His death.

Naturally I was already upset.

Then he tells me how, even while we've been dating, he's considered suicide. I began weeping. Miserable, pathetic sounding sobs, gasps and sniffles. Words couldn't say how upset I was.

So I told him how that made me feel in the only way that could possibly conduct my truest feelings.

I slapped him harder than I've ever imagined slapping anyone. I slapped him so hard that he didn't even truly feel it for the first five minutes.

But he was angry right after. I'd never seen him so angry. I'd simply turned away and continued to cry. But after he got over the initial shock he grabbed me, sort of restrained me, and said something like "but you have to know what I mean" or "but you know how it feels" or something like that. And then he snapped out of it, and we started talking calmly for a few minutes.

And then apparently the true pain of the slap hit him, and we had to go inside and get him some ice. (we were outside when this happened)

Aaaand he didn't remember any of it previous to the pain, for a while. Go me. My slaps cause amnesia. Or maybe that was a black-out caused by his shear rage. But see, I slapped him because I love him, and, although I knew he didn't want to hear it so I didn't say, if he killed himself my world would end.

He has issues. Sure. Everybody does. I still love him. Even when he gets angry, my greatest fear is that he'll leave me. That would break my heart. I don't like the idea of living without him.

Even if he does leave me, I would never want him to leave me like that. I'd like to know that he's out there in the world somewhere. Living. Because his life is so beautiful to me.