I have a crush on a girl

Shit.

My mother would kill me.

And every site that popped up when I googled "gay and Christian" was supported by gaychurch.org or christiangay.com, or something else to that tune. Not helping here. I know it's wrong. I don't see WHY it's wrong, I have always thought it shouldn't be.

But the Bible says that it is. Of course so is gluttony and swearing, but still. This one seems more serious.

I still like guys. Like, Goth Guy is back in the workshop, working almost the same hours as me. We see each other every day. More than we did when we were into each other! And I think about it. Every moment I'm aware of his presence, and as much as I don't want to hurt again I want him to make a pass at me.

So apparently I'm bi.

Shit.

Bulimia

Bulimia is a horrible, dirty, awful thing that destroys girls from the inside out. Examples being me and my awesome gay lady friend. The enamel in our teeth is getting all messed up. She says the edges of her teeth are getting translucent.

I always thought that was normal.

My teeth hurt much of the time. They're so sensitive. Also, one of my molars is cracked. I doubt the repetitive corrosive stomach acid baths chipped it, but I bet they made it weak enough that the next time I accidentally chomped my tongue ring, it cracked.

My throat hurts a lot of the time.

Some days I don't even throw up. It happens more when I'm menstruating because then is when I crave and consume ungodly amounts of carbohydrates. And this time I even ate some cookies. Sugar. I don't EAT sugar. at all! Except for a couple days ago, now.

On days when I work it's easy to be good. I wake up at 4:30. I have some toast around 5:30. I get to work at 6 am. I have a snack at 8 am. Lunch is at 10:30. I get off around 2:30 and 4 pm is dinner time. And then I'm asleep by 9 pm. I have trouble convincing myself to go running when I don't sleep enough, though.

And then I feel guilty. Especially when I over-do it on the weekends. So when I do eat carbs, and I haven't been working them off, I get guilty and throw them all up.

I knew about ana-vegans. Anorexic vegans. What am I? A buli-vegan? A dead girl walking.

I can't continue this. Yeah, it definitely works as a supplement when I've over-eaten or forgotten to run. But one day my esophagus might collapse. Then my family could watch me drown in my own body fluids with no way to save me.

Of note:

Three things:

A: I'm about to ralph up the tater tots I consumed twenty minutes ago because SOMEONE has to take control of her body. Yup. Eating disorder? Still there.

B: You'll never guess what I got pierced.

C: He's back.

100

Grr. No more fur.

Victory patches are over-rated when you have no one to flaunt them at. And I hate feeling like chewbacca or bigfoot down there. That's just weird. If I were a dog, I would shave ALL of me. It would feel awesome.

Luckily, I only have to shave PART of me. So I'm gonna go do that. In the jacuzzi. (ever notice how hard it is to spell jacuzzi? I always wanna spell it jacoozy, or jacouzi. But no. JACUZZI.)

And in that jacuzzi I will drink a mudslide (ingredients be damned) and eat celery sticks (to offset the mudslide) with peanut butter (to offset the celery). And maybe read a smutty novel.

HUZZAH for Sunday night JACUZZI time!

Also, whilst googling bigfoot, I found this. Woah. Just woah. I love google. And I fear it.

Subconscious strikes again

I had a dream about Good Guy last night. He'd finally found somebody, and seemed to be happy. He tried to rub it in my face, but I think eventually we all did something together.

And in the dream, I thought to myself, That could have been me. I could be together with someone, about to get married, and she could be alone. That could have been me.

I awoke and reminded myself that she was getting the short end of the stick, unless he'd changed as a person.

It was a strange dream, and made me think about how I'd burned that bridge. I have no doubt that I did the right thing. The way he had behaved was unacceptable. But I missed having the option to date a jerk, I guess.

I think I must just be lonely. And that happens to everybody. Someday I'll find a perfect fella that I can seduce by cooking amazing food for him. There will be flour-covered kitchen sex. Not to say that I'll be a domestic goddess. He'll be DAMNED greatful for every bite he gets.

Maybe he'll happily live the alternative life-style by my side. I know that's something I really liked about Goth Guy. We seemed right to be roaming the world together. Anybody that looked at us thought we might be together, and wouldn't fuck with us because we were awesome.

(...looking)

I don't know. I just imagine that someone really different will get me. But maybe your average schmoe is gonna end up being the lucky fella that really makes sense of me. (I suppose he won't be average inside his head. And I guess that's what counts.)

I guess it's just been a long recovery from Goth Guy. I keep fantasizing that he'll walk around a corner and try to seduce me. I think part of me is relying on the hope that he will do just that. Because that part of me still loves him more than words can say.

But it's only a small part now, rather than the whole. So hopefully I never see him again, and never have to deal with that temptation. I would like to grow to hate him, or better yet not care. So that when he pops up with a girlfriend, it won't break my heart.

The Universe keeps changing

Well I keep trying to change it, anyway.

And I CAN change it.

I've tried to take control of my body since I last posted. I've been running every night. Not really all that far, but when you're as active as an avid knitter currently obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns, three quarters of a mile can seem like a lot.

That feels like it should be doing me good, but more than a month later I've lost nothing. I've heard rumors of muscle weighing more than fat and all... I HAVE lost an inch around my belly...

Well anyway NOW I'm upping the ante. Ante. What the hell does that mean, anyway? Pardon me while I go google it.

Ohhhhhh. Means poker stakes. So upping the ante is when you raise. Got it.

ANYWAY. NOW I'm upping the ante. I bought diet supplements and protein powder! The pills have green tea and acai berry extract. They act as both a laxative (ew) and as a diet suppressor. More importantly they were the second cheapest bottle on the shelf. And vegetarian.

I got the protein powder to make myself less hungry. it's HORRIBLE!! I need to bake it into protein cookies or something, because it's not super bearable at breakfast time. It's like hot coco, but cold. So it doesn't really dissolve right. So it has the consistency of milk mixed with sand. Horrible, vanilla flavored sand.

OH. And making it into cookies is going to be a bit more difficult because I'VE STOPPED EATING SUGAR. Cold turkey. Just like that. I didn't realize the headaches were part of that until my father asked me how the withdraw was going.

I never thought I could give up sugar. Of course I never thought I could give up cheese burgers or provolone either. But here I am. The sugar free vegan that runs every night and now ingests horrible, horrible protein powder. (SOY protein, thank you very much.)

Hell, I've even been doing reps with my mothers dumbbells and crunches after I run.

If I don't morph into the incarnate image of Aphrodite after all this, I'll be wanting my security deposit back.

And there's one more think I think I need to invest in: An "e-cig". Electric cigarette. Instead of sucking tar, you suck vapor. Still get a healthy dosing of nicotine poisoning, but none of the other chemicals that usually come along with the common packed-paper cigarette.

I'm certainly not addicted to cigarettes now, but I've been drinking more. And when I drink, I love to smoke. So I think I would use the e-cig while drinking. That way I can smoke as much as I want without feeling incredibly guilty the next day, and without feeling the need to deprive myself of my beloved cancer-causers for weeks after.

Huzzah for a better way to integrate poison with my body!

Of note:

You know, I understand what men say about "beer goggles" now. I think I'm sexier when I'm drunk too!!