Subconscious strikes again

I had a dream about Good Guy last night. He'd finally found somebody, and seemed to be happy. He tried to rub it in my face, but I think eventually we all did something together.

And in the dream, I thought to myself, That could have been me. I could be together with someone, about to get married, and she could be alone. That could have been me.

I awoke and reminded myself that she was getting the short end of the stick, unless he'd changed as a person.

It was a strange dream, and made me think about how I'd burned that bridge. I have no doubt that I did the right thing. The way he had behaved was unacceptable. But I missed having the option to date a jerk, I guess.

I think I must just be lonely. And that happens to everybody. Someday I'll find a perfect fella that I can seduce by cooking amazing food for him. There will be flour-covered kitchen sex. Not to say that I'll be a domestic goddess. He'll be DAMNED greatful for every bite he gets.

Maybe he'll happily live the alternative life-style by my side. I know that's something I really liked about Goth Guy. We seemed right to be roaming the world together. Anybody that looked at us thought we might be together, and wouldn't fuck with us because we were awesome.

(...looking)

I don't know. I just imagine that someone really different will get me. But maybe your average schmoe is gonna end up being the lucky fella that really makes sense of me. (I suppose he won't be average inside his head. And I guess that's what counts.)

I guess it's just been a long recovery from Goth Guy. I keep fantasizing that he'll walk around a corner and try to seduce me. I think part of me is relying on the hope that he will do just that. Because that part of me still loves him more than words can say.

But it's only a small part now, rather than the whole. So hopefully I never see him again, and never have to deal with that temptation. I would like to grow to hate him, or better yet not care. So that when he pops up with a girlfriend, it won't break my heart.

From Good guy to Asshole in a matter of moments

Well, if I had any thoughts of Good guy NOT being an asshole, I certainly don't anymore.

Yes, it was harsh. I suppose that's ALWAYS pretty harsh, telling somebody you don't think you should talk to them anymore. I told him that having some relationship with some chick who KNEW he didn't care about her and then still having the gall to tell me he loved me was unacceptable.

And then I was dumb enough to wait, because I wasn't sure if I should just block him right there, or wait for a response.

"Peace out. Have fun with your vodka and sex."

O.o

Wow. Asshole. Just... wow. I mean, I knew the guy had a temper. And he had a right to be unhappy. But that was a pretty nasty thing to say.

See, I'm a wuss. I am ALWAYS nice to the people I break it off with and the ones that break it off with me. Not much of a bridge burner. So I tell them that it was fun while I knew them and I hope they find what they're looking for.

But THIS TIME I defended myself! I was pretty proud of myself.

"Peace out. Have fun with your vodka and sex."

"And you, with your loveless relationship."

Woot me for finally having the balls to be a bitch. At least I defended myself. The only thing my not-so-good-with-the-whole-dealing-with-my-emotions-thing mother could say was, "YOU TOLD HIM YOU HAD SEX!?"

See, he didn't make me cry, but that sort of jerked a tear or two. And possible a temper tantrum. I angrily swatted a mostly-empty lettuce bag off the counter. (badass. I know.) The wall behind me was covered in lettuce leaves. I then promptly cleaned it all up.

Geez. Aren't moms supposed to KILL men that talk to their daughters that way?

Sleepless night

I don't know why I can't fall asleep. But I can conjecture.

Maybe it's because of Goth guy. I haven't spoken to him for nearly a week, and our last conversation was unpleasant. I haven't even texted. It's like he wanted me to get mad at him just so he could retreat to his pity corner. But I didn't rise to the bait so suddenly he just took offense at everything I said.

But the big issue with him at the moment is that I feel I'm nearly ready to actually move on. To beg God to take away my feelings for him. I have prayed for this. This is not something I was willing to ask for before.

Because I wasn't ready to let go.

I'm not really ready now. But I'm ready to actually try. I'm ready to leave him alone. I'm willing to ask God for my heart back.

But if he calls, and he's kind, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know if I'm ready to say, 'no. I won't be seeing you.' I might try to get him to settle for coffee or a movie. Pathetic, I know.

But the place I'm going isn't a fun one. It's either stay and pine over him (which I don't want), or it's get over him and be alone without someone to hope for.

Eventually there will be somebody else. But like all things it'll probably take it's time. And I don't look forward to that time of loneliness.

Maybe the reason I can't sleep tonight is because of Good guy. Who wasn't near as good as I thought.

He confessed to loving me. The next week he got into a relationship with some other girl. I asked about it. It's 'something to pass the time'. He admits his dislike for her. He tells me she knows that he doesn't see it going anywhere.

And then he still has the gaul to tell me he loves me.

Shame on him. That's despicable. So now I have to find a way to tell him I don't want to see him on thursday. Or ever. Is there an easy way to tell somebody this?

I'm sure he'll offer change. He'll offer to break it off. And I won't be interested. Because it was in his heart to do it, and he saw nothing wrong with living in it.

That would be like me finding nothing wrong in my involvement with Goth guy. No. There was plenty of wrong in that. And some of it I don't regret as I should, but I sure as hell can admit that it's wrong. I know that I have to apologize to my God, because I have sinned. I have hurt him.

But Good guy saw no problem in what he did.

Maybe smoking a cigarette would make me sleepy.

I went out drinking for the first time on saturday night. With my cousin. We had a good time. Two men hit on me. One was Puertorican football playing Eddie. Nice guy. Into the "goth look". I let it slide because I like the attention. Didn't go to his afterparty. But I did get invited.

I'll be smoking that cigarette now. Sweet dreams, cruel world.