Subconscious strikes again

I had a dream about Good Guy last night. He'd finally found somebody, and seemed to be happy. He tried to rub it in my face, but I think eventually we all did something together.

And in the dream, I thought to myself, That could have been me. I could be together with someone, about to get married, and she could be alone. That could have been me.

I awoke and reminded myself that she was getting the short end of the stick, unless he'd changed as a person.

It was a strange dream, and made me think about how I'd burned that bridge. I have no doubt that I did the right thing. The way he had behaved was unacceptable. But I missed having the option to date a jerk, I guess.

I think I must just be lonely. And that happens to everybody. Someday I'll find a perfect fella that I can seduce by cooking amazing food for him. There will be flour-covered kitchen sex. Not to say that I'll be a domestic goddess. He'll be DAMNED greatful for every bite he gets.

Maybe he'll happily live the alternative life-style by my side. I know that's something I really liked about Goth Guy. We seemed right to be roaming the world together. Anybody that looked at us thought we might be together, and wouldn't fuck with us because we were awesome.

(...looking)

I don't know. I just imagine that someone really different will get me. But maybe your average schmoe is gonna end up being the lucky fella that really makes sense of me. (I suppose he won't be average inside his head. And I guess that's what counts.)

I guess it's just been a long recovery from Goth Guy. I keep fantasizing that he'll walk around a corner and try to seduce me. I think part of me is relying on the hope that he will do just that. Because that part of me still loves him more than words can say.

But it's only a small part now, rather than the whole. So hopefully I never see him again, and never have to deal with that temptation. I would like to grow to hate him, or better yet not care. So that when he pops up with a girlfriend, it won't break my heart.

100 Posts!

I've made an important choice. In order to help myself recover from all the badness in life (I'm getting better already, I think) I'm going to take extra good care of myself.

I'm trying to lose (MORE) weight. I'm using a special facial cleaner to clear my skin. I'm running every night. I'm actually putting make-up on before I leave the house.

It just makes sense! One of my more vapid friends told me that she usually gets over stuff that way. Although I rarely take her advise, this particular idea struck me as clever. I've always considered it shallow to focus on myself too much, I thought it vain. But maybe it's exactly what I need. Like a spa day. Only it's a spa month. Year. However long it takes.

I need to make myself beautiful and healthy and successful. Get artwork into the school gallery. Start finishing my novel. Finish the two short stories I'm working on. Finish learning spanish. Learn sign language. And then, next time I run into him, if I must, I won't have anything to be ashamed of. Just lots to be proud of. So maybe it won't bother me so much.

I just hope I never see goth guy again. Along with my apparent trauma/shock, I appear to also have come down with acid reflux. Damnit. It comes from the stress. I'm always at school. And I'm always afraid I'll run into him.

Ways I can deal with this: Running at night really does help. Maybe I'll do a yoga class or something. I could smoke more. Liquor.

I'm hoping to get a new job soon. Either a second part time working as an art teacher, or a full time job in medical records. I have a pending interview for the art position, and I had an interview a couple weeks back for the medical records. They said if I didn't hear back in three weeks, to move on.

Looking for a job SUCKS. I'm stressed about money, still dealing with my messed up emotions, having sudden homo-erotic feelings for a friend, and I STILL have a girly infection. My life is out to get me.

I think I went on the job segment because I would then have the money for an electric cigarette. Which I could smoke as often as I darn well please. And that would help with the stress.

And on that note:

¡¡¡100 posts!!!
(huzzahs, confetti)

Sleepless night

I don't know why I can't fall asleep. But I can conjecture.

Maybe it's because of Goth guy. I haven't spoken to him for nearly a week, and our last conversation was unpleasant. I haven't even texted. It's like he wanted me to get mad at him just so he could retreat to his pity corner. But I didn't rise to the bait so suddenly he just took offense at everything I said.

But the big issue with him at the moment is that I feel I'm nearly ready to actually move on. To beg God to take away my feelings for him. I have prayed for this. This is not something I was willing to ask for before.

Because I wasn't ready to let go.

I'm not really ready now. But I'm ready to actually try. I'm ready to leave him alone. I'm willing to ask God for my heart back.

But if he calls, and he's kind, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know if I'm ready to say, 'no. I won't be seeing you.' I might try to get him to settle for coffee or a movie. Pathetic, I know.

But the place I'm going isn't a fun one. It's either stay and pine over him (which I don't want), or it's get over him and be alone without someone to hope for.

Eventually there will be somebody else. But like all things it'll probably take it's time. And I don't look forward to that time of loneliness.

Maybe the reason I can't sleep tonight is because of Good guy. Who wasn't near as good as I thought.

He confessed to loving me. The next week he got into a relationship with some other girl. I asked about it. It's 'something to pass the time'. He admits his dislike for her. He tells me she knows that he doesn't see it going anywhere.

And then he still has the gaul to tell me he loves me.

Shame on him. That's despicable. So now I have to find a way to tell him I don't want to see him on thursday. Or ever. Is there an easy way to tell somebody this?

I'm sure he'll offer change. He'll offer to break it off. And I won't be interested. Because it was in his heart to do it, and he saw nothing wrong with living in it.

That would be like me finding nothing wrong in my involvement with Goth guy. No. There was plenty of wrong in that. And some of it I don't regret as I should, but I sure as hell can admit that it's wrong. I know that I have to apologize to my God, because I have sinned. I have hurt him.

But Good guy saw no problem in what he did.

Maybe smoking a cigarette would make me sleepy.

I went out drinking for the first time on saturday night. With my cousin. We had a good time. Two men hit on me. One was Puertorican football playing Eddie. Nice guy. Into the "goth look". I let it slide because I like the attention. Didn't go to his afterparty. But I did get invited.

I'll be smoking that cigarette now. Sweet dreams, cruel world.

HA!

Take THAT goth guy!

You are now no more than fodder for my fantasies!

There is of course the crawling back fantasy, in which you come crawling back to me begging for forgiveness. This has two varying endings.

There's one where I cruelly reject you and restore my dignity, while becoming unbearably successful. You eventually end up in somebody's attic, starving to death and watching tv through your neighbor's window, just so you can see how unbearably successful I've become. One day I pass you begging on the street and recognize you and shake my head and put a twenty in your mug.

The second is where I tell you to be my friend and try to win my trust, and we have an incredible friendship that blooms into true love. You never lie again and become my passionate love slave.

Of course I also have time lapse fantasies. Fantasies where it ends just as it is and we don't see each other for years.

Option A is nearly identical to the one where I get famous and you go live in a basement, except that I also get a mansion and a studio, and you probably end up shining my shoes or mopping my floor or raking my gravel or taking care of my garden.

In long term fantasy number two, we both get famous, and hear of each other, but never meet. But I use a pseudonym for my art career. Then one day we meet to do a gallery together and you realize that it's me. And I knew the whole time it was you, but didn't contact you because I figured you had moved on.

Except you hadn't. You then admit that I was the one that got away, and the only one you ever really kept caring for. And then we fall wildly in love and buy a castle and decorate it with our art and live happily ever after.

Generally the time lapse for those fantasies is ten years because I'm really sick of twenties. And I've only just begun... Maybe it gets better once I can drink legally.

(actually, I still miss you. I wish you would forgive me (for WHATEVER THE HELL I DID) and invite me over to your apartment again soon. If it's really over it's going to be a long time before I can look at somebody else again. Notice how none of my fantasies really involve a husband? I can't imagine not caring about you the most.)

Oh, but that reminds me. There is one more fantasy.

That would be the fantasy where I start dating my Writing teacher (HE LOOKS LIKE LIAM NEESON! (only younger and bald)). And you become jealous. You guys get into an epic kung-fu battle for my affections. In option A he pistol whips you and you're scarred for the rest of your life, for the loss of your love AND from the pistol whip to the face. In option B you go ninja on his face and kiss me passionately while he bleeds on the sidewalk.