I have a crush on a girl

Shit.

My mother would kill me.

And every site that popped up when I googled "gay and Christian" was supported by gaychurch.org or christiangay.com, or something else to that tune. Not helping here. I know it's wrong. I don't see WHY it's wrong, I have always thought it shouldn't be.

But the Bible says that it is. Of course so is gluttony and swearing, but still. This one seems more serious.

I still like guys. Like, Goth Guy is back in the workshop, working almost the same hours as me. We see each other every day. More than we did when we were into each other! And I think about it. Every moment I'm aware of his presence, and as much as I don't want to hurt again I want him to make a pass at me.

So apparently I'm bi.

Shit.

Mother's day

Weirdest mother's day thus far: My mother awakens me a mere 5 hours after I finally put myself to bed, and asks me if I'm gay.

Well that woke me up. My eyes popped open and I stared at her for a second.

"No, mom. I'm not gay."

Where does she even get these ideas? I know recent blog posts don't really support my sexuality, but I really do prefer men! Apparently my facebook status about a girl sending me her picture to draw made my mother think I was gay.

I daren't tell her they were nude photos....

"Really mom? Remember (goth guy's name)? The MALE I'm obsessed with?" (she doesn't like him either, but apparently she prefers him to gay. I found myself wishing I'd gone to see him yesterday. Ugh. Just because I'm not gay doesn't mean I need to prove it by going and ditching my dignity for HIM....)

"I know, I know, I just.... I know it's been hard, but don't let him throw you off men for good..."

"I know! I'm not. I like men!" *sigh* I love her but she worries over the weirdest things... and now she's got ME all worried about it.

And to all the lucky moms out there today, I'd like to extend to you a very special mother's day greeting: "Happy mothers day. I'm not gay." That's what I said to MY mother this morning, anyway.

Turning on the girls

I think it should be legal (ethical by bible standards) to kiss girls if I have no intention of actually being romantically involved with them. Women are so attractive.

No, I'm not homosexual. I'll admit that women are beautiful and that at one time or another I've had a crush on a girl. But it was a decision I chose not to make.

Still, sometime I'd like to kiss a girl. Actually, I'd like to kiss girls whenever I want, just for the feel of it. Without them backing up and being like, woah. Creepy.

This is a desire I never intend to act on.

The implication and the feelings would be sins. And I have enough sins on my roster. Also, I just don't want to cause or feel those feelings. I just want to know the sensation. Is that lust? I think it might be. But a lust to know something. To feel it. To enjoy their beauty without tinting my sexuality.

I do believe I'm a terrible person.

I suppose I'll put in the obligatory disclaimer in now: I have no strong dislike for gay people. Huzzah. Good for you. Etc. My Bible says it's not okay. If you don't believe what my Bible says, you're in no way obligated to obey it. Also, even if you do believe in what my Bible says, I think there are far worse things you can do than love someone. But that's only my opinion.

Christ preached about how to treat people. I think he cared less about sins of the flesh than those of the heart. I hope that isn't blasphemy for me to say it.