Brain ninja

The comedian Dane Cook once called women brain ninjas. Said we'd say something that wouldn't bother a guy at first, but then it would fester inside their heads until they went mad.

Well, Dane, I've got rather uncomfortable news: Men can be brain ninjas too.

Exhibit A: Goth guy.

Is.

Fucking.

With.

My.

Brain.

Damn him... He'll call, we'll have a perfectly human conversation... Except he keeps bringing the topic back to why he's withdrawing from the world and how he just doesn't want to go out lately, "that's all". Okayyyyy....

The warning sign there was that I didn't ask but he said it anyway.

The second red flag was that he brought it up three times. About how he was fine. He was okay. And I was like, okay, that's great! But he KEPT BRINGING IT UP.

So eventually, I was like, "Is everything REALLY okay?"

"YES! I've just been telling you this whole time that I'm okay!" or something like that.

Which brings him to my LEAST. FAVORITE. HABIT. Worse than that whole break-it-off-once-every-month-and-a-half habit. and I really, really hate that habit.

So you can imagine just how much I hate the "HonestGoth can't say ANYTHING right because Goth guy is on his PERIOD right now" habit.

You FUCKED me at the beginning of this month. You took my FUCKING virginity, punk! DO NOT BITCH AT MEEE! Oh no. Do not.

Ironically, the last "HonestGoth can't say ANYTHING right because Goth guy is on his PERIOD right now" conversation we had was about a week before he fucked me.... So for all I know this means I'm gonna get some next week.

Which I shouldn't look forward to. But crave. Like drinking vodka, smoking cigarettes, eating guacamole and becoming ridiculously, flamboyantly famous some day.

But I admit after each of these conversations I secretly hope he'll just never come back. You know, let me finally continue on in my life? Give me the chance to build the walls that will (unsuccessfully) keep all men out of my life for good?

A girl can dream. Eventually I have to go through menopause, right? In thirty years or so... surely my libido will have bitten the dust by then. Just gotta wait thirty more years.

Redeeming bad habits

Each man, woman and child battles a bad habit.

Thumbsucking. Porn. Smutty romance novels. Smoking. Drinking. Masturbation. Art school. Crack cocaine. Take your pick. The options are limitless. Some are cheap or free, like porn. Some are really expensive. Like smoking. Some will kill you faster than others. Like art school.

But maybe we need bad habits.

I was texting with a friend and in a deep blue funk about my lousy luck with the *other* gender. We argued for some time (amiably) about the making a big deal out of it versus faking improvement while I'm still miserable on the inside and dreaming pathetic dreams of return and revenge in the day and having nightmares about it at night.

She finally concluded that it sounds like I need to start a bad habit.

I said, "I smoke, I drink, I read romances, I masturbate, I go to art school AND I'm vegan. What bad habits are left to redeem me!?"

We decided that crack was too expensive and that I didn't have enough options and just a little less than the required courage for nymphomania, so she suggested porn. It is generally cheap... Or even better, I could run my own site and actually profit from it!

"Does whoring my image count as a bad habit?" I wondered.

Any habit would do. Anything to obsess over that wasn't him. Perhaps he in himself was a bad habit? And what better way to kick one habit than with three others? I managed veganism all in one shot... I didn't have to ween myself off of animal product.

Smoking is something I choose to do, maybe once in a week. Some months I just don't smoke. It's never been a vice. Nor has drinking. But fooling around with some fella? I guess I've found my own personal crack.

I wonder how well me-porn would sell... Do you think I could use pay pal? Hmmmmm.

I could probably use it to support my art school habit.