I want to be beautiful

So much.

Sometimes I believe that I am. Now is not one of those times.

Went and lost my dignity to goth guy again last night. It's the worst because I know what he is. I know that all he wants me around for is company and pleasure. So why would I bother? Shouldn't I be proud enough to tell him no?

I know there's no chance of us being something. He made it that way. So why does he insist on my sharing my body with him?

And then once we finally spend some *not* fooling around time together, all he can talk about is beautiful women. Other. Beautiful women.

"You know the only problem with this woman? She is not my girlfriend!!"

Great. Regretting getting you off in the car now.

Am I REALLY the only action he can get? I think I'd rather be free. I wish that he respected me. Or any woman. I really doubt that he does.

How can he admit that him and I could never be anything and then still seduce me? Because believe you me I didn't come back easily. He just talked and talked and touched and tried to kiss. I kept saying no and he just wouldn't take it for an answer.

Why wouldn't he take no for an answer if I wasn't special? What the hell? Why put me through this shame and take away every chance I have for falling in love with someone who would care? Someone who would respect me?

And here I waste my time wishing I was beautiful and a little older, more in his league, so that maybe he'd change his mind. I'm despicable.

And I'm crying. As I should be. I don't really deserve to be happy at this point. Because I can't even respect myself.

Dear Goth Guy

I'm very tired of being treated like a child. I do not have an Oedipus complex. You were the one that treated me like a child. So it is YOU who is the pedophile, rather than me the Oedipus.

I'm sure it's a good thing that you've dumped me again. Maybe this time it will be permanent. YOU're the one that didn't make ME cum, you monster.

How did we get from my first butt sex to scanners to my trying to tell you how I didn't cum to you breaking it off with me to you kicking me out of your apartment? We weren't even dating!!

Look, you aren't always the victim. You really do try to make yourself seem that way. "I'm so sensitive..." "I don't mean to seem rude..." "I don't want to hurt anyone which is why I..."

You are the villain. Stop pretending. You're the bad guy, goth guy.

I'm so glad you didn't make me cry this time. There's almost tears at the moment. But those will pass.

It's funny how you were just talking my ear off about women deserving respect, and women getting what they deserve. Please don't give me the chance to throw that back in your face. Don't come back. I'll miss you, but frankly your not making me cum really did help.

I was addicted to you.

Hopefully now you'll leave me alone and I can be free.

To cry. And be alone. And have no one to lust after my body and touch me in all the beautiful ways that I love. And to continue on into my twenties, diving into my art career and resurfacing in a decade, unhappy.