A final note:

I'll be blogging from a new, undisclosed location because reasons.  Reasons knows what he did. *glare*

Of note

I feel like the content of this blog is a slam poetry gold mine.

Rollerblading Christ

Jesus fucking rollerblading Christ.

X is maintaining 14 hour a day jobs so he can take care of delicate girlfriend, save for wedding, family planning, vacation, car, ect. All in the name of not screwing up this "grown-up" thing.

I'm not sure if I want to be incredulous, furious or disdainful.

So let's go one at a time.

Hahaha right. How well is he going to handle 5 doubles a week while maintaining a healthy relationship? He'll be tired and aggressive or apathetic. "grown-up"? This from the man that moved to live with his 21 year old cyber girlfriend, been living up there two months, and he's saving up for wedding and family. I have never seen him do his own taxes, in 4 years of knowing him.

Okay maybe I'm just PISSED because he was incapable of taking care of himself and another with me. She's delicate? Wedding and family planning? You wasted your paychecks on video games, ren faire gear, and laptops and left me in thousands worth of debt after buying a bed together the month before you left me for another woman you'd met on the internet. You HIT ME. SHE'S DELICATE!??

Sure you're never gonna lose your temper and hurt her. Sure. You're never gonna scream at her autistic sister. You're not gonna become distant and start talking to some new love of your life the minute your phone gets turned back on, between exhausting hours, because that's never been how you handled stress in a relationship before.

Some evil thing inside of me wants you to crash and burn. Thinks you deserve it. Do you? I really don't know. My opinion is colored by your past. I wish I could erase it all and be happy for you. But I still don't believe in you. I still don't believe that anything other than you can make you a better person. Not a new town. Not a new girl.

Not even if she's better than me. Prettier. More talented. Better rounded, less of a head case.

I hope you end up ok in spite of my feeling on the matter. Because it's not what I want. I want your broken bits to sabotage you every time. And that's my problem, not yours. I hope one day god can forgive me.

Sleep, the unattainable standard

I want to sleep the same 9 hours every night. Yes, 9. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Also apparently it's stressing out my dog. 12 to 9 or 1 to 10 every night just sounds impossible. What guarantee is there that I'll fall asleep on time?

Whenever I need to be asleep at a certain time, I find myself on my back, eyes wide open, stressing myself out because I'm not asleep yet. Sometimes watching a YouTube video I've seen a thousand times helps. Sort of prevents my brain from focussing on my stress.

Of course when I don't have to be up, I say to myself, hey, I could watch a movie or storm on something right now... And then when I do go to bed late, I sleep late too.

Or, god forbid I'm in bed on time, and don't have to be up. I'll still sleep to long, 10 or 11 hours. Because depression, I guess?

I need a job with more regular hours.

Up before noon

Because that's pretty rare these days. I stay up too late, I sleep more than I should.

I'm fighting it. I know that I have to. I know that it and a thousand other little signs point to depression.

I have solved for the subject of my last post. When my friend's (ex's) new girlfriend friended me on facebook, we talked about her gesture. Was it just to keep tabs on another girl in his life? He said it's because she likes me, nothing else.

So I accepted. Also because I'm hoping that being her friend will help with that hard to understand jealousy. I have no desire to be jealous. It's an awful feeling. It's been hard to not compare myself to her, even though different people are different ballgames every time. And I think somewhere that makes me ache.

It's been good so far. She is likeable. That's good.

And that's all the space that gets.

I have to start back at the the beginning for art. I always focused on big challenges, so I never learned the little basics. It's time for that to change.

I want to be great. So badly. Why am I burdened with that stupid desire? Everyone wants to be good enough to make money to have what they need to be comfortable. Somewhere in my ego I sneer at that. Like it shouldn't be good enough for any of them. And that isn't fair. I need to be more open minded to lives that don't seek what I seek.

Because elsewhere, I can't

My ex and I got pretty close in a friend ish way before he left. Obviously a couple times he took advantage of that closeness and I failed to stop him. I'm upset that he didn't respect my request the first time, but oh well. Sucks that I dropped my self respect. To clarify, we didn't bang.

It would appear that he was just cozying up to a warm body until he could get to his girlfriend in Washington. Because now he's basically fallen off the planet, as far as friendship goes. I unfollowed him on facebook so I wouldn't have to see all the love and googly eyes they keep posting.

It hurts that, once again, he used me. He wasn't being my friend so much as using me as a bookmark. It feels like they're smearing their love all over the walls and rather than let me be, they're making me watch and using my blood as paint.

So hence this drawing. Because I was upset but couldn't post it on facebook, instagram or snapchat lest he see it and misunderstand.

It's not about love.

It's about being used, replaced, and kept in reach so I have to watch it happen.

It was a shitty thing for a friend to do.

Generally irritated

And over stupid bullshit, too. I'm glad my ex is out of my immediate life. We fooled around a couple times over the last week before he left town and I'm supremely disappointed in myself. I mean, we didn't have sex. But I definitely dropped my self-respect and I'm very unhappy about it.

However I find myself having irritating feelings of jealousy about his girlfriend. (They are in an open relationship. This in no way justifies my behavior.)

She's a prettier, more successful (perceived) version of me. Great artist. Avid gamer. Has my hair style without my pink and my side locks. Has also fabulous guages, but a larger size.

And she's a stoner and being taken for a ride by my indecisive ex that I do NOT. Want back.

So what in the Hell is my problem? Is it that I'm irritated he doesn't have a crush on me anymore? Is it how much more he's willing to do for her than he ever did for me? I mean, shit! He moved across the country for her!

I'm irritated that it's irritating me. Lames. My focus is paying dearly for this.

Thoughts

D... Did he make a younger, skinnier clone of me? Cause she's got my hair, and I heard that haircut was new. Whaaaat?EVar not my problem. But that's creepy, man.

Thoughts from the end stall

I sit in the corner stall, avoiding my work-out because I'm tired. I haven't eaten today, the thunder got me up two and a half hours early, and coffee just wasn't enough. I am so tired.

I can feel my pulse in my thighs. I was on the treadmill for a grand total of 22 minutes. Did I give up because I was tired and unfocused, or because I was bored?

I think about my Saturday night date. Meh. He seemed... Boring? I didn't feel an attraction. But maybe he was nervous or didn't want to talk too much. I'm going to see him again. I never develop attraction to people before I get to know them.

My friend suggests a three strikes rule. That seems like a lot of dates. Also, if a guy presents himself as really interesting on the first date or first meeting, doesn't that indicate rampant narcissism? That he's so self-involved that he just got really good at presenting himself?

But then does that make me a narcissist too? For focusing on myself and learning to put my needs first more often? Surely there's a balance and a guy can be interesting without being totally self-involved? A little humble?

Ugh. Why do men have to feel like enemy soldiers? Dating. What a world.

Of note:

I deeply resent a date that makes me come up with everything. Have a fucking original thought. Impress me for fuck's sake.

Oh, I have to pick the day, time, and you have no location suggestions? Lovely. You seem like a winner.

Of course one never knows. Maybe I'm just ridiculous judgemental. Or maybe I have unreasonable expectations.

Or Hell maybe he's nervous.

Gah. Balancing my bitch with my facilitator is hard.

Why shouldn't I be angry?

Ex just confessed his feelings for me.

What is this, Fuck with honestgoth month? Because the universe is on a roll. Two solid weeks of work, dealing with a full on business catastrophe during that time, and then two weeks of depression and psychological paralysis, and dealing with massive urges to hurt myself and the almost impossible urges to binge and purge. I've avoided the first sort of, except for giving into the second. And then this.

That's not including all the other little things, like my cycle still not starting, finding out crush wasn't single, feeling like a total fat-ass, having to reject an interested friend, and being triggered when I watched the shining.

I didn't even know I had a trigger, but verbal abuse moving toward violence, watching it, like jack yelling at his wife, that did it.

Seriously. This just finally went too far.

God? I know we disagree on a lot of key points, like most of the bible (provided that crazy book was even your idea to begin with). But I need strength right now. Also maybe magic. Or heavily advanced science. Just... Please. Help me. This is a nightmare.

I take great satisfaction in being able to roll with the punches, handle anything, one way or another, regardless of the actual outcome. I need to be strong, for me. So that I go the right direction in my life. Somehow. So that I don't let people down, or I tear them down, depending on who they are and how they choose to conduct themselves.

So that I don't pick the wrong guy, and I don't disappoint my mother. So that I'm a good parent some day.

I can't afford these mental breakdowns.

Please help me.

Guilty

Tonight I found myself day dreaming about a guy that's not single. I feel terrible. I feel like a creep.

I don't foster crushes on people that aren't available. Hell, I couldn't even crush on the Supernatural guys after I found out they were all married. Those dashing, sexy sons of bitches. It just didn't feel okay to day dream after that.

The same should go here. I kind of thought the crush had mostly abated, since I found out that the guy I liked was no longer single. That's usually how it goes. I feel dirty thinking about it and distance myself.

I suppose it's harder to distance oneself from a co-worker. Aw who am I kidding? I have the best general manager on earth. If I wanted to never work a shift with him again, she'd make it so. I suppose I assumed it wouldn't be a problem.

But the dynamic between he and I hasn't changed, so I think maybe it's just taking my feelings a minute to let go. And by dynamic, I mean we're the same kind of weird. We enjoy hassling each other. Poking each other's vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Literally poking each other. Well that's him. I'm no longer in initiative mode.

I think my brain is translating all this goofing around as flirting. I believe it only seems like that to my brain, and not to his.

I know I do indeed still enjoy working with him, although I am no longer stealing glances. We're just buddies. That never hang out, except at work. Which is frankly okay. More distance is better.

And he has that thing. A thing I hated about music man. If he doesn't feel like talking, then anybody else's efforts to socialize just bounce of and make us feel like chumps. Psh. Humans. This is my least favorite of their qualities.

I think I feel a bit better after transcribing my feelings. Writing really helps me to work things through in my head.

Hopefully there will be no updates.

Of note:

Today is a doom fart kind of day.

That is all.

Of note:

So. There's this phone app called tinder.

And. I have a coffee date tomorrow. Herm.

Unexpected since I really just signed up as a drunken social experiment. Buuut... Why not? Worst it can be is awful, right?

Of note:

Fucking boys. Eeesh. Turns out the interest would appear to have a significant other.

Ah well.

His loss, I suppose.

But he ought not have flirted if he wasn't single, to be fair. But I suppose I can be faulted for not just asking, rather than taking the word of a co-worker that saw it on facebook. (Which, as far as I'm concerned, is a completely reliable source. That's just my shriveled hopes and dreams trying to convince me that there must be some mistake.)

And then we can fault him again for insisting he wasn't interested in the lady in question. That he is now apparently dating.

Which makes him a liar mcliarson. And therefore a poor choice for a date. So. Good on me. Dodged that bullet.

Goddamnit.

So my body has terrible taste

But we knew that already. My current irritant point is the fact that a nice, decent person can ask me out, but if I'm not attracted to them, there's not a thing I can do about that.

Hate.

I had a decent human being, a legitimately nice guy, a friend, ask me out, today. I had to tell him I didn't feel that way. It was surprisingly easy, I remained confident throughout the conversation.

Many points to him on this. It was asked in a nice, non-pressuring way, and when I rejected him he was good-natured about it and made it easy.

I hope he's not hurt. I like having him as a friend. Hell, someday I might feel differently. Although I think if I were to develop feelings, I'd have done so already. I'm not going to hold my breath and wait on that though.

In my experience, forging ahead and hoping feelings happen is a bad call. Remember "good guy". I never had strong feelings of any kind for him. Dating him at all was unfair to both of us.

But it would sure be nice if my psyche was attracted to nice guys instead of violent/strong guys. Couldn't the two eventually combine?

But then he doesn't exist or he's taken by a more deserving woman (more deserving woman: see: vanilla Jesus slut).

You know what? It's still nice to feel wanted. I'll give it that. But needing to be wanted is a slippery slope. Example: ex wants me to come swimming tomorrow. I know that guy doesn't like to swim.

I. Hate. Everything. Except for my dog. And my friends. And my job. Heh. I guess it's just not that bad.

So. Bad.

Every time I please myself it's just not enough anymore. I have to go for two or three and I'm sweaty, tired and still needy afterwards.

I have GOT to find myself a man.

Of note:

In case I was too subtle in that last post (apparently it's a thing that I do), yes. I do indeed have a crush.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BOYS!

That is all.

Horny

I haven't slept with anybody in upwards of eight months. And my body reminds me every day. It's ridiculous!

I get it, this is probably my fault for being sexually active before marriage at all. My punishment for exploring my body. Not sorry. Girls can have as voracious a sexual appetite as men. I am no exception, indeed between me and my ex, I was the far needier party.

We shouldn't have to be ashamed of something like this. When we complain about our guys being horny all the time, "oh, it's just how they're wired!" When we complain about being horny all the time, we are sluts, cats in heat, "have you tried praying about it?"

Excuse me? Those are double standards inflicted on us more by other women than by men. Family units eager to limit us. Friends eager to shame us. Trusted guides urging us to fight this "affliction".

You know what? No! You find yourself a toy, dream yourself up a partner and you hit the party button. Repeatedly. With a vibrator.

If you have no qualms about sleeping around a bit (you are lucky), then find somebody to take home.

As for those of us going it alone? Enjoy that crush! Flirt, daydream, just keep it light and fun! A crush can be a terrible thing to waste your mind on though.

These days I daydream all too often.

Of note:

It's insane how much I've changed over the years. I spent some time going through old posts to see if I would delete any. A lot of it is very embarrassing. Me saying I'd get away from some guy for good, and then the very next post complaining about him jilting me again. Physical problems. Masturbation, love, sex, personal dignity and veganism.

One post in particular mentioned how it seemed I'd never get away from my exboyfriend until he found somebody else. You know what? I did. He sent me a sext, a photo of his fucking dong, and said it missed me. I actually rejected him. I reject him every time he tries to get close in that way now.

I did change. I can be better. There is proof in these pages of shame.

Eventually I became the strong one. He hit me. But you know what? I rejected him and it stung him deeply. He has no power over me anymore. I'm a bitch to him. I'm not afraid to say what I think when he's being manipulative and an idiot. Before I was afraid to speak up, afraid he'd get angry or hurt me.

Why bother to keep him in my life at all? I have two reasons. The first is... I suppose a little upsetting, but true: He knows me. And people that know me are all too rare. I need people that know me in this world, it anchors my sanity.

Second? He is a reminder that I can become strong. I can make myself miserable now in order to give myself a better life in the future. He is a reminder that the one that needs to stand up for me is ME.

I am my champion.