A final note:

I'll be blogging from a new, undisclosed location because reasons.  Reasons knows what he did. *glare*

Of note

I feel like the content of this blog is a slam poetry gold mine.

Rollerblading Christ

Jesus fucking rollerblading Christ.

X is maintaining 14 hour a day jobs so he can take care of delicate girlfriend, save for wedding, family planning, vacation, car, ect. All in the name of not screwing up this "grown-up" thing.

I'm not sure if I want to be incredulous, furious or disdainful.

So let's go one at a time.

Hahaha right. How well is he going to handle 5 doubles a week while maintaining a healthy relationship? He'll be tired and aggressive or apathetic. "grown-up"? This from the man that moved to live with his 21 year old cyber girlfriend, been living up there two months, and he's saving up for wedding and family. I have never seen him do his own taxes, in 4 years of knowing him.

Okay maybe I'm just PISSED because he was incapable of taking care of himself and another with me. She's delicate? Wedding and family planning? You wasted your paychecks on video games, ren faire gear, and laptops and left me in thousands worth of debt after buying a bed together the month before you left me for another woman you'd met on the internet. You HIT ME. SHE'S DELICATE!??

Sure you're never gonna lose your temper and hurt her. Sure. You're never gonna scream at her autistic sister. You're not gonna become distant and start talking to some new love of your life the minute your phone gets turned back on, between exhausting hours, because that's never been how you handled stress in a relationship before.

Some evil thing inside of me wants you to crash and burn. Thinks you deserve it. Do you? I really don't know. My opinion is colored by your past. I wish I could erase it all and be happy for you. But I still don't believe in you. I still don't believe that anything other than you can make you a better person. Not a new town. Not a new girl.

Not even if she's better than me. Prettier. More talented. Better rounded, less of a head case.

I hope you end up ok in spite of my feeling on the matter. Because it's not what I want. I want your broken bits to sabotage you every time. And that's my problem, not yours. I hope one day god can forgive me.

Sleep, the unattainable standard

I want to sleep the same 9 hours every night. Yes, 9. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Also apparently it's stressing out my dog. 12 to 9 or 1 to 10 every night just sounds impossible. What guarantee is there that I'll fall asleep on time?

Whenever I need to be asleep at a certain time, I find myself on my back, eyes wide open, stressing myself out because I'm not asleep yet. Sometimes watching a YouTube video I've seen a thousand times helps. Sort of prevents my brain from focussing on my stress.

Of course when I don't have to be up, I say to myself, hey, I could watch a movie or storm on something right now... And then when I do go to bed late, I sleep late too.

Or, god forbid I'm in bed on time, and don't have to be up. I'll still sleep to long, 10 or 11 hours. Because depression, I guess?

I need a job with more regular hours.

Up before noon

Because that's pretty rare these days. I stay up too late, I sleep more than I should.

I'm fighting it. I know that I have to. I know that it and a thousand other little signs point to depression.

I have solved for the subject of my last post. When my friend's (ex's) new girlfriend friended me on facebook, we talked about her gesture. Was it just to keep tabs on another girl in his life? He said it's because she likes me, nothing else.

So I accepted. Also because I'm hoping that being her friend will help with that hard to understand jealousy. I have no desire to be jealous. It's an awful feeling. It's been hard to not compare myself to her, even though different people are different ballgames every time. And I think somewhere that makes me ache.

It's been good so far. She is likeable. That's good.

And that's all the space that gets.

I have to start back at the the beginning for art. I always focused on big challenges, so I never learned the little basics. It's time for that to change.

I want to be great. So badly. Why am I burdened with that stupid desire? Everyone wants to be good enough to make money to have what they need to be comfortable. Somewhere in my ego I sneer at that. Like it shouldn't be good enough for any of them. And that isn't fair. I need to be more open minded to lives that don't seek what I seek.

Because elsewhere, I can't

My ex and I got pretty close in a friend ish way before he left. Obviously a couple times he took advantage of that closeness and I failed to stop him. I'm upset that he didn't respect my request the first time, but oh well. Sucks that I dropped my self respect. To clarify, we didn't bang.

It would appear that he was just cozying up to a warm body until he could get to his girlfriend in Washington. Because now he's basically fallen off the planet, as far as friendship goes. I unfollowed him on facebook so I wouldn't have to see all the love and googly eyes they keep posting.

It hurts that, once again, he used me. He wasn't being my friend so much as using me as a bookmark. It feels like they're smearing their love all over the walls and rather than let me be, they're making me watch and using my blood as paint.

So hence this drawing. Because I was upset but couldn't post it on facebook, instagram or snapchat lest he see it and misunderstand.

It's not about love.

It's about being used, replaced, and kept in reach so I have to watch it happen.

It was a shitty thing for a friend to do.

Generally irritated

And over stupid bullshit, too. I'm glad my ex is out of my immediate life. We fooled around a couple times over the last week before he left town and I'm supremely disappointed in myself. I mean, we didn't have sex. But I definitely dropped my self-respect and I'm very unhappy about it.

However I find myself having irritating feelings of jealousy about his girlfriend. (They are in an open relationship. This in no way justifies my behavior.)

She's a prettier, more successful (perceived) version of me. Great artist. Avid gamer. Has my hair style without my pink and my side locks. Has also fabulous guages, but a larger size.

And she's a stoner and being taken for a ride by my indecisive ex that I do NOT. Want back.

So what in the Hell is my problem? Is it that I'm irritated he doesn't have a crush on me anymore? Is it how much more he's willing to do for her than he ever did for me? I mean, shit! He moved across the country for her!

I'm irritated that it's irritating me. Lames. My focus is paying dearly for this.